Live Blogging The Emmys: Britney Better Show Up And Make This Worth Our While

There's a big rumor that Britney Spears is supposed to show up at the Emmy Awards tonight and "apologize" for her performance at the VMAs last week. That just seems like the weirdest idea. But whatevs, I just want to see her face...and her extensions. (OK, so she's def not showing up! Fuck! I want her to show up at my apartment and issue an apology for giving me awards show blue balls.) Frankly, I don't even know what the hell is nominated this year—or any year for that matter, even though TV is like my whole life. But actually the only primetime TV I watch is reality shows, HBO, and The Simpsons, so I guess that's why I'm out of touch with this shit. No matter, I'm sure you don't need to be that informed in order to make fun of this stuff.

11:11 OK, it's done. The Sopranos won the big award. Major duh. I tip my 40 to its memory. JK! I'm not wasting any of my 40! And I'm not mopping that shit up.

11:04 Why is Tina Fey so awesome? I just love her to death.

11:00 Yummmm! Oreo Cakesters! I want one and I'm not even stoned. I wish I were stoned. Sorry, that's a commercial.

10:54 Congrats to America Ferrara. Is she really supposed to be plus-sized? I mean, come on! Seriously, I mean, I know she's probs wearing a foundation garment under there but still, she looks sofa king amazing.

10:48 The dead people montage. Tons of people died this year. Jack Palance wasn't dead before this year?

10:44 Oh, Sally Field, what the fuck ever. If mothers ruled the world there would still be guns and war and shit. You should read Y the Last Man. It's all in there. Women are equally capable of blood lust.

10:41 Aww! Ricky Gervais won for Extras! Love that Steve Carrell jumped up there.

10:40 BY BRECHTGIRL "Hayden Panera looks like something my grandmother would stick over the extra roll of toliet paper that sits on the tank." Hahahahaha! My gramma totally had those! And she also had those smelly cone air fresheners that had the jelly stuff in it. I used to stick my finger in it because it felt good.

10:33 The Amazing Race can eat me! How could Best Competition Reality Show not go to Project Runway? Also, since there seems to be more than one category for reality shows, does this mean there's gonna be a Best Roommate Reality Show category, or Best Dating Show category? This needs to happen.

10:26 Kanye! Hey, shawty, how it do? He's the lil'est! I wish he was standing next to Buttcrust and Kevin Connolly. They're totes the lollypop guild.

10:24 Why was Buttcrust wearing that outfit? With the feathers in his hat.

10:12 Teri Hatcher: just 'cause you's a star doesn't mean you gots to shine! Damn, Gina, powder up before you go on camera.

10:10 Calisha Jenkins is sitting here with me and when Tony Bennett was on she was like, "It's so weird to see people talk before they die." My thoughts totally

10:07 OK, so I'm totally live blogging the Rock of Love finale next week, FYI.

10:00 I haven't seen any of these miniseries. Am I out of touch or is this shit just irrelevant? I mean, it's not Rock of Love, I'll tell you that. BTW, see ya Lacey!

9:41 So what the hell is the climax for this show? Like what's the category that's on par with "Best Picture"? And why are the Jersey Boys performing?!? I can take my eyes off of you, creepy Italian dude. And I will. Because I just finished my drink and it's time to open my 40 of OE.

9:30 Which is hotter: Marcia Cross' boobs or her sofa king hot earrings?

9:11 I'm really liking Hayden Panerabread's dress. Cute! Imma try and find a picture.

Live Blogging The Emmys: Britney Better Show Up And Make This Worth Our While

9:07 Ben Vereen is wearing dangly earrings. Is he gay? Wikipedia doesn't say whether or not he is, although it does say that he is Usher's godfather.

9:04 Queen Latifah = strong black lesbian.

8:59 Well, I've been trumped. There's someone live blogging the Emmys while sitting in the audience. He's not bad looking. I'd fuck him. And I like that he has a Sidekick instead of a Blackberry. That means he's young and would do stupid things with me.

8:53 Christina Aguilera's tits are HUGE! Is it dangerous for a pregnant woman to be standing on a piano in stilettos? Do I care?

8:44 Conan O'Brien's hair is funnier than he is.

8:39 Loving that Katherine Heigel totally just said "Oh shit" when they announced her name.

8:38 OMG, Kevin Connolly is such a leprechaun! He's the shortest lil' Irishman I've seen in a while.

8:23 My cable is all jacked and everything is all Max Headroom-y. I missed the crack that Buttcrust made at Paula Abdul. Fuck!

8:13 Jeremy Piven won again. Remember when he used to be bald 20 years ago as a sidekick in all those John Cusack movies? His piece is so shitty it almost looks real.

8:09 Uh, there was some weird commotion. I was hoping someone was streaking or a fight broke out or something, but I think it was just the wrong camera and audio hookup. Shucks.

8:08 OMG! John Locke from Lost! he's wearing a pink satin shirt and black bedazzled tie.

8:05 Tonight's host Ryan Buttcrust just proved that he knows that red shoe soles indicate Louboutin. Somehow, I don't think that was scripted at all.