This week, Maxim magazine revealed its annual list of the hottest 100 women Maxim editorial assistants could find this year and arbitrarily ranked them based on a top secret sexability formula made with 11 herbs and spices. Here at Jezebel, we're above that superficial bullshit* and have fashioned a similarly arbitrary list based on the men with the 100 best personalities we could find. Did your personality spank bank fodder make it?
Before we dive into Jezebel's First And Possibly Only Annual Hot Personality 100 List, here's a little background on how we picked the members of this list, and why they occupy the places they occupy in the rankings:
One afternoon, we all brainstormed for about an hour about men who did funny and cool things and then compiled them into a completely arbitrary list, in much the same way we imagine Maxim makes its list but with fewer craven publicist wars. Some of these men are very conventionally physically attractive; others are less symmetrical. But who the fuck cares? It's what's inside that counts, most of the time.
100. 1995 Rust Cohle
Why? Because he's smart and hard working and really gives a shit.
99. The guy who pierced Hillary's Nose
Hillary reports that he was super chill.
98. Bobby Moynihan
SNL's unsung linchpin, in our humble opinion.
97. Tim Curry
Even as Pennywise the evil clown in Stephen King's It, Tim Curry seems like a fun dude to be around.
The best kind of relationship is one you can just be quiet around each other, you know?
95. Julian & Joaquín Castro
These identical twins are the Mayor of San Antonio and the Congressman from Texas's 112th district, respectively. Normally, identical twins are creepy, but these dudes seem cool.
94. Jon Hamm as Liz Lemon's stupid hook-hands boyfriend
93. Super chill old tortoises that kids can ride on
92. Elliot Stabler from Law & Order: SVU
He's always seconds from losing it and beating the shit out of a "perp" or general asshole, but he makes up for his lack of impulse control by keeping a straight face during some truly cheesy dialogue.
91. Stephen Fry
Everybody loves a brainiac.
90. Former President Jimmy Carter
Not a great President, but seems like a great guy.
89. Richard Ayoade
10/10 would hang out with.
88. Alan Alda
Outspoken feminist and overall adorable man.
87. Neil Patrick Harris
On this list because he managed to make one of the most douchey, predatory characters in the history of non-Two & A Half Men television somewhat likable. Give this guy his own variety show so we can all hang out with him at once!
86. The male roommates on New Girl
Who wouldn't want to wear sweatpants with Coach, Schmidt, Nick and Winston? Hell, we'd nonsexually share a pair of sweatpants with them.
85. The dudes who run Khim's Millennial Mart who keep Kate shopping there even though it's really overpriced
We have independently verified that everything there is very overpriced. But the man who works behind the counter — especially the older one — has very kind eyes. We're sure he's using the money for something good, like dental school for his son or educational field trips for his daughter.
84. Dr. Jake Houseman from Dirty Dancing
In the words of Madeleine Davies, who nominated him: "He's so noble! And you can't go wrong with Jerry Orbach."
83. Robin Hood (the Disney cartoon)
Real talk: Robin Hood is one of the few Disney protagonists that wasn't kind of a douche.
82. Felix from Orphan Black
81. George Takei
Imagine being at a party with George Takei. Imagine how much fun you'd have.
80. Willy Wonka (as portrayed by Gene Wilder)
Ladies love a big, throbbing imagination. And that's kind of Willy Wonka's whole thing.
79. Billy Eichner
Nobody but Rihanna is having more fun than Billy Eichner right now. And we want in.
78. Cord Jefferson
Former Gawker staffer Cord Jefferson has moved on to greener (TV) pastures, but that doesn't mean that the Jezebel staff has forgotten about him. Not only is he a consensus dreamboat, he's the sort of person who never seems like he's looking around the room while he's talking to you.
Also, he doesn't seem to realize how hot he is. Which is itself hot. Sorry, Cord.
77. John Darnielle of the Mountain Goats
Writes beautiful music and says beautiful things. The type of man a lady can wear her glasses around.
76. Jon Huntsman
Ex Utah Governor with a close knit, goofy family and an assured, reasonable vibe. We all want to trick or treat at his house so badly.
75. Jon Stewart and his 3-legged pit bull named Dipper
This concludes the Jo(h)n section of this list.
74. W. Kamau Bell
Totally Biased was a great show partially because Bell seemed totally cool.
Once we went to a post-show DJ set he did at a bowling alley and it was one of the most fun nights we've had since moving to New York City. And this is a fun-ass town.
72. Michael Strahan
He miraculously makes morning TV slightly less awful.
71. Sheriff Bart, as played by Cleavon Little in the film Blazing Saddles
The world would be better off with more Sheriff Barts and fewer Hedley Lamarrs.
69. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver
For bringing the hammer down hard on Donald Sterling, who America is united in hating.
68. Neville Longbottom
Kate reports that Neville Longbottom smells fantastic.
Also everyone picked on him and he still grew up cool. That takes some resilience. He could have easily Draco'd out.
67. Mark's partner who sends him every interesting link he can find with the subject line "FOR JEZEBEL!!!!"
Mark's partner is adorable.
66. Benedict Cumberbatch
Seems like he'd make you a pot of tea and keep you entertained with alternating wild-eyed and deadpan impressions of English historical figures (also, hot).
65. Richard Lawson
We want Vanity Fair's pop culture king to narrate and review everything. If we had our way with Richard Lawson, he'd be working constantly, so hard that he fell ill with exhaustion in a matter of weeks.
64. Rich Juzwiak
Can verify that he's fun as hell.
63. John C. Reilly
Brilliant on films like Magnolia, hilarious on films like Stepbrothers, and whenever we hear him in interviews we just wanna raw dog with his brain.
62. Andy Samberg
He's a human Pixie Stick.
61. Harry Styles' haircut
Never has such boyish sass been so successfully conveyed in one tousling.
60. Bryan Cranston
Remember when he was on Humans of New York and said that cute, cute, cute thing about his wife and fireflies?
59. Terry Crews
A couple of months ago, a few Jezebel staffers went to see Tyler Perry's The Single Moms Club in theaters and he was literally the only tolerable element.
Among the better of the Twitters. Author of laughtears.
57. Michael Sam and Michael Sam's boyfriend
Nothing makes a kiss better like smashed celebration cake.
56. A. O. Scott
This New York Times movie critic turns hating on a bad movie into a hilarious art form. Rumor is, that around the Times newsroom, he goes as "Tony Scott," which somehow makes us like him more.
55. Jay Smooth
Smarter than the average anybody, with impeccable music taste.
54. Carlos Gomez
Because of this:
Cartoon hearts are now shooting out of all of our face holes.
53. Every character Kyle Chandler has ever played, basically
But mostly Coach Taylor.
52. Peter Dinklage
For a good time, spend an afternoon googling "Peter Dinklage with baby" and then go down a K-hole of clips of him on late night shows and try to honestly say that you don't kind of want to be his best friend.
51. Mick Foley
An outspoken feminist man who kicks ass and works very hard at being good at his job (which requires him to be very strong, like a Hulk).
50. NYC coffee cart guys
They're great at making a lady feel very slightly significant in a city where every day is characterized by a feeling of crushing insignificance.
49. Kelly's parents' dogs, Hank and Lefty.
Hank and Lefty are twin beagles that wandered into Kelly's parents' yard as tiny abandoned puppies. Someone had dumped them out at the highway, probably, and Lefty made it all the way down to Kelly's parents' house (down a 2 mile dirt road). Kelly's sister found Hank wallowing in a mud puddle closer to the road, so it's fair to say Lefty is the brains of the outfit.
48. Christopher Hayes
Lots of reasons, but mostly because of this.
47. Chris Kluwe
Brave, foul-mouthed, and funny.
46. Hamilton Nolan
He's going to hate that he's included on this list, which is why we collectively love him. Never change, you old ginger coot!
45. Stephen Colbert
Mr. Rogers for a new generation.
44. Our Weed Delivery Guys
All smokers of weed on staff report getting top notch service from their respective weed delivery men. What a country.
43. Tom Hiddleston
He's not Tumblr's boyfriend for nothing.
42. Male librarians
There's something undeniably cool about a person who bucks gender stereotypes to pursue their passion, whether that's owning the shit out of the Dewey decimal system or kicking field goals.
41. Atticus Finch
Best fictional dad ever.
40. John Oliver
That HBO show of his isn't half bad!
39. Jason Momoa
Jason Momoa would likely make a list of just regular-hot people, but recall: the way he talks about his wife. That's love, and you can't beat love.
38. Brian Williams
If you don't already love Brian Williams, we don't have the time to explain to you why you're wrong. There are still thirty-seven more men on this list!
37. Barney Frank
He was gay before it was cool.
36. Ben & Jerry
Gentle ice cream making hippies. What a delicious sentence fragment.
35. Paul Newman
So handsome he could have gotten away with being a real prick, but instead opted to be decent as hell.
Not even death can stop his unrelenting Good Guy-dom.
34. Nick Denton's fiancé Derrence Washington
Everybody loves him. He's so cool and nice.
33. Mr. Rogers
Made the world less scary for millions of little kids. Normcore pioneer.
31. The guy from the Budweiser Clydesdale commercial who really loves his horse so much
30. The Pope
Rarely does a person with as much power as Pope Francis have such convincingly deep laugh lines. He is the opposite of dead behind the eyes. Welcoming and loving even to people with whom he disagrees. Almost makes the lapsed Catholics on staff want to believe in God again.
29. Mark Ruffalo
He doesn't have to do this, but he does it anyway. <3 <3 <3
28. Dodai's friend Jonathan who owns the Shuffleboard Club in Gowanus
Always fun, never mean. Can rock a captain's hat and flight suit like it's nothing. He's also a former NYU professor, a Ms. Pac Man champ and makes piñatas in his spare time.
27. The "NOT ALL MEN" Kool Aid pitcher
This pitcher is Callie's boyfriend.
26. 2012 Rust Cohle
Alcoholic, paunchy, disturbed, and obsessive. We are all convinced we can save him.
25. Henry Rollins
Intensely gives a shit.
24. Neil Degrasse Tyson
Everyone's second favorite scientist. World's friendliest mustache. You can hear it in his voice when he speaks that his brain is working three times faster than his mouth will.
23. Vice President Joe Biden
22. Hari Kondabolu
21. Bill de Blasio
He's real shy about being real tall, which is real cute. Also, his wife rocks.
20. Statler & Waldorf
A pair of angry Muppets.
19. Louis CK
Come to think of it, would make a good Muppet.
18. Dr. Stuart Lewis, MD
Not a famous guy, just a great doctor. The world needs more good doctors.
Fiercely anonymous Twitter photoshop master who will sometimes make mock up images of other people's Tweets in an impressive turnaround time. Also very nice.
16. John Gidding from HGTV's Curb Appeal
During a recent trip, Lindy and her mom were trapped in a hotel room for days. John Gidding's charismatic hosting was all that kept them sane.
15. BD Wong
A bright shining diamond in everything he does.
14. The entire staff of Deadspin
Violently decent men. Really.
13. Martin Short
Remember how in Father of the Bride, Martin Short played Frank and BD Wong played his assistant and it was just a completely delight? That film is now 23 years old, older than the daughter character in that film.
We're all gonna die!
12. Lester Holt
The only one who reliably seems to have his shit together on TODAY. Sorry, Willie Geist.
11. Jim Cooke
Not only is our art director a genius, he's also kind and funny and likes to talk about his kid.
10. Seth Rogen
He's always had a grubby, lovable everyman appeal, but his recent Alzheimer's advocacy has rocketed him up the list of the Jezebel Hot Personality 100.
9. Jimmy Fallon
Seems like a fun guy to hang around.
8. Gus Kenworthy
Olympic freestyle skier Gus Kenworthy's puppy adoption was the best part of the Sochi Olympics.
7. Bill Cunningham
We would all grandpa the shit out of New York Times fashion photographer Bill Cunningham. All of New York City would.
6. The entire male half of the cast of Parks & Recreation, especially Jerry.
All of them — Ron Swanson, Tom Haverford, Greg PikitisPerd Hapley, Andy Dwyer, Jerry Gergich, Ben Wyatt, Chris Traeger, and even (or, if you ask Kate, primarily) Jean-Ralphio — are fantastic.
5. Bill Nye the Science Guy
Science rules. Inertia is a property of matter.
4. Ta-Nehisi Coates
Coates is the Leonardo da Vinci of thinkpieces. We mean that in the best way possible.
3. George Saunders
2. Our dads
All of our dads are great.
1. Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart
Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart: Better Than Our Dads.
*We are not, in fact, above the superficial bullshit. We at Jezebel regret the error.