My Mid-Morning Conversation With VH1's "Mystery"

Today the esteemed news service Afrojacks posted a number purporting to belong to VH1 Pick-Up Artist Mystery, host of VH1's The Pick-Up Artist. I dialed it, and was greeted by a welcoming voice. Then, a disconnect. Then, a ring! I picked up and commenced conversing with a man caller ID identified as VON MARKOVIC, ER on subjects ranging from lesbian porn to his love of the band Tool to Scott Baio's shortcomings to period sex to Carl Sagan to his appreciation for the art of mutual posterior-licking. And not to indulge in such a thing, but I was charmed! After the jump, the full text of my conversation, or at least, some version of the full text based on what I typed while trying to think of what the fuck someone who actually knew if Eric Von Marcovik was Mystery (Google: yes) would ask the most famous man in the world.

So um, this is Mystery?

I'm Mystery among friends, Eric among girlfriends.And my nieces call me uncle Butthead.

Have a lot of people called you today?

About fifteen people have called and hung up. I can tell culturally it's a lot of black people, and I'm getting the 212 area code, which is Chicago.

Where are you? 702 is a Vegas area code, right?

Well yes but I am currently in Los Angeles. I just got to Los Angeles last night. I'm in my empty new apartment right now, I got in last night late, and I've got three pitch meetings for a new project today. I've got a pitch for a new project today at ten a.m.

I'm sure you'll succeed. You're very convincing. Although the guys on your show...

People out there need to reach people for good or for bad.

Do you ever come to New York? I have a friend who wants to date you.

My New York days are behind me. New york is just, too, um there's so much humanity and they're so blind and trapped by their lives and you see it all around ...Do you know that song "Bunch Of Water" by Live?

Live, like "I Alone" Live?

No, Live like "Lightning Crashes" Live. That guy is definitely a Rock God.

Totally. Who else do you revere as Rock Gods?

Well, Tool. Maynard ... there is definitely somehow transcendental some sort of message he is preaching

So...are you dating anyone? Or a lot of people?

You mean, do I have a special someone?

Or an unspecial someone, you know, I'm easy.

Well, I've put myself in an interesting position where I have a lot of opportunities. And there are some people on this planet are really truly we're spiritually connected to...

Okay, did you get laid last night?

Um, no. I did jerk off to lesbian porn at 4:30 in the morning though.

Oh, lesbian porn is my favorite. Sometimes I struggle with that. Like, does it make me gay?

All women are bisexual to some degree, it's a hard wire. Even my sixteen year old niece has a crush on....well, a female actress.

I'm worse than that, I have a crush on Samantha Ronson, and she's a dyke!

Who is that?

Oh, she's Lindsay Lohan's DJ best friend enabler big sister lover type. She's really really cute. Do you think you could de-gay her?

Any man can de-gay a girl when she realizes he's just a spirit and they're both spirits and it has nothing to do with the boy-girl dynamic thing.

But what about men? Men aren't all bisexual to some degree?

I'm still trying to figure things out; my brother's gay but at the same time, when I watch Borat or flip past a gay porn channel - because you know I'm from Toronto and they're very liberal about pornography there, there are ten porn channels - I can't help but feel my nose crinkle and say "that's gross."

Why do you think Scott Baio is 45 and single?

Well let's see, I have a thought about that. It's sort of the same thing as if I were to see Bea Arthur of the Golden Girls have sex. Why would I want to watch someone who has already gone through menopause.. go through that? It's biology. I'm evolutionally calibrated to not find that attractive. Why would I pursue something that it's not attractive to me?

(And I have no idea if there was a segue into this next thought)

One of the things I find myself enjoying is licking a girl's ass. I feel like I'm owned by her, and simultaneously owning her in a weird way, and it's a weird symbolism when you watch two girls do it and nothing gets me harder. I can be an intellectual, but I'm bound by the human condition. It also appears that millions and millions of human beings feel the same way. Just type in "ass licking" on Google and see what you'll find.

Oh no. I've actually had my SafeSearch on ever since I Google image searched the words "period sex." Big mistake.

I've had sex with a girl on her period, it's not disgusting. It's not a fetish or anything. Even ass licking isn't a fetish, it's spiritual. Most guys are not fetishists. They're needy for sex, but really what you're trying to do is feel a sensational experience with someone. That's what this whole pick-up thing has been about. It's not about trying to pick up a girl so you can get laid. It's about building trust in someone, whether it's a sushi meal or an orgasm, at the same time life is just about experience.

Right, I mean, I totally agree. But the guys on your show...

The guys on my show are all on the path.

So when did you lose your virginity?

When I was twenty-one.

So like, when you were in college?

No, I didn't go to college, in fact I quit high school in grade ten, and then went back, and I have a half-credit to go before finishing grade twelve. I'm one of those people who recognizes the responsibility of education lies in the student, not the teacher, and over the years I have studied a myriad of subjects, from cosmology to astrophysics to microbiology and chemistry. I didn't get to be a millionaire by not educating myself.

But so you, like, never took the SAT.

I'm Canadian so no. Talking to you is fun. You speak with a lot of clarity.

I'm really hungover.

What's your name?

Moe. Well, Moe among friends, "Maureen" usually to boyfriends and dudes who aren't comfortable with the idea of fucking a "Moe." What are you wearing?

Well I'm putting on jeans, and new shoes I got yesterday at the Fashion Show Mall, where I was recognized by at least fifteen people. I get recognized easily now, and everyone is just so positive. There's so much positive energy. Oh hold on a second, Matador is here. Here's Matador.

M: Who is this?

I'm Moe.

M: Wait, here, talk to Chris.

C: Hey, who is this?

Moe. I was just talking to Mystery.

C: How do you know these guys?

Um, we just have a shared interest in cosmology I guess. Did you get laid last night?

C: Me, no. My girlfriend's on her period.

Oh my god, me too! We're synched already. Mystery has no problem having sex with a girl who's on the rag, do you?

C: No I don't mind, it's just like, blowjob week.

So it must be pretty exciting being friends with Mystery!

C: Oh yeah. I mean, you could take a retarded monkey boy and put him on TV and he would get laid, but with Mystery, there's the double impact of, like, Mystery, and now he's on TV.

It's sort of like this thing I read about in Cosmo, where you have clitoral orgasm and a G-Spot orgasm at the same exact time.

C: And it's all spongy and filled with blood ... yeah, just like that! To Mystery:Hey man, why don't you smoke on the balcony? You pay thousands of dollars for a nice place and then smoke a cigarette?No longer to Mystery: So who are you, are you hot?

Um, not right now. I fix up okay. But "hot" isn't, like, my selling point. I'm more of a "fun" type person. Like, I am really hungover right now, and probably not looking so good, but it's because I was "fun" last night. Anyway I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. What neighborhood of LA are you in?

C: West Hollywood.

Does Mystery ever talk about his favorite books to you?

C: Hey man, what's your favorite book? Carl Sagan's Demon Haunted. Carl Sagan. You heard it here first...okay, here's Eric.

So wait, hold on, another of you is calling.

Who was it?

It was another African American voice. I could tell just from the laughing. I can even tell if someone is from Northern or Southern England, right away. I'm kind of like doctor Doolittle in that way. I can tell from just the smallest bit of laughter where people are from.

Where do you think I'm from?

Well, the 646 is a Toronto cell phone prefix.

Um, but I'm in New York.

C: No man, 646 is a New York number.

But I'm actually from Washington, D.C.

Oh, I've done a boot camp in Washington D.C. There's.. just not a lot of beauty there. I don't want to do boot camps there anymore.

But the girls there are smarter than girls anywhere else.

Oh, I'd definitely agree.

Okay, you need to pitch your television shows, and I am going to send you lots of positive energy although you don't need it because you are going to be amazing, but can I call you again maybe to talk about life and stuff?

Sure!