4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

Another Wednesday, another Midweek Madness. With the hell that is fashion week and the stench of Britney's VMA performance continues to permeate our psyches, the added insanity of Midweek Madness really drives us to drink. Ready for a shot of gossip? After the jump, guzzle the Hollywood hooch from this week's issues of OK!, Life & Style, Us, Star and In Touch.

4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

OK!
The cover reads "How Shiloh Saved Angie" and inside, the piece claims that Angelina has finally warmed up to baby Shiloh, whom she called "a blob" as a newborn. The rest of the story is about Zahara being a tomboy who "never wants Mad or Pax to outdo her" and stuff you already know, like Maddox is in a French-speaking school and Angie and Brad Pitt are "ready" for a fifth child. Also, Angelina would love to have another biological child — and the whole gang is considering moving to Manhattan, because, according to Angelina, "everyday there is a new exhibit or something else to try." Also inside: Are Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Simpson avoiding each other? A rep says it's "nonsense"; "Body After Betty": America Ferrera is thinner than she was last year and much thinner than in Real Women Have Curves; "Top 10 Cougars": Ellen Barkin, Dina Lohan, Pam Anderson, Drew Barrymore (cougar-in-training) and Cameron Diaz made the list; a Britney vs. Kevin story says Britney "took five swigs of tequila from a flask in her dressing room right before going onstage" and then when after her performance "kept saying how fat she was and that Justin saw how fat she was and that she just wanted to get wasted and forget the night ever happened." In addition, four pages on The Hills Audrina Partridge, who spouts gems like "I want to try acting. I'd love to be like Angelina Jolie" and "Hollywood is into coke, but Lauren [Conrad] and I are obsessed with energy drinks!" Lastly: Details on risky pregnancies: Halle Berry has type-2 diabetes, Nicole Richie could have an underweight fetus; and a four page pictorial of Kate Walsh's honeymoon in Bora Bora.
Grade: C (Domestic beer in a can.)

4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

Life & Style
The cover line is "Angie Tells Brad: Go Back To Jen!" The story itself is an amalgam of quotes from sources who say "Angie is so paranoid about Jen, she can hardly bear to say her name out loud" and "Brad regularly e-mails his ex." The writer claims that Angie downed drinks at a party recently, "even having a rum and coke at 1 a.m." which doesn't sound so scandalous. Brad complained to a party goer, "she's drunk," and later told a Toronto reporter "I value her opinion" but "she pisses me off sometimes, though." Also inside: "Britney's Worst Nightmare!" Britney told Criss Angel she wanted to go it alone because she felt like it was becoming too much about him — and now blames herself. Post-show, "She kept saying 'I'm so embarrassed.' She kept crying," says a source; "I'll Stand By You!". Plus, Zac Efron is there for nude-pix scandalized Vanessa Hudgens (super sad teary-eyed picture of her!); Owen Wilson refuses to go to rehab and won't take Kate Hudson's calls; and "Hollywood Stops The Clock", pictures of Demi Moore, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer and Teri Hatcher, noting the disappearance of lines in their faces.
Grade: D+ (Warm, foamy kegger brew.)

4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

Us
The cover belongs to Trista & Ryan Sutter, former Bachelor stars we know and care nothing about, and their "Baby At Last!" The story introduces us to the baby, Max, and asks "What Is Preeclampsia?" Also inside: Heidi Montag claims MTV never aired footage of Lauren Conrad "being obsessed" with Spencer Pratt or calling Heidi's mom and telling her Heidi was in an abusive relationship; "Behind The Scenes" at the VMAs, where, backstage, people laughed out loud during Britney's number; Pam Anderson has "been laughing about" Tommy Lee and Kid Rock's fight; Justin Timberlake had dinner with his mom and Jessica Biel and discussed the Iraq war. Other stuff: Anthony Kiedis, 44, and his knocked up girlfriend, 20, expect him to be a "great" dad when she bursts this fall; Reese Witherspoon told Jake Gyllenhaal it's best they don't talk at all but then later seemed like a couple; Hayden Panettiere has broken up with Laguna Beach's Stephen Coletti; more excruciating details from Britney's VMA performance (she told hairstylist Ken Paves, "You're really annoying me! Get out" ). Lastly, Gwen Stefani says she's been on a diet since 6th grade, and a spread of celebs with the headline "When They Had Their First Baby" (the youngest is Whale Rider's Keisha Castle-Hughes (17) and the oldest is Holly Hunter (47)).
Grade: C+ (Cold, imported lager.)

4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

Star
"Babies In Danger!" screams the cover, and inside Star claims that Zahara Jolie-Pitt has hip dysplasia and may need surgery, or leg braces. As a baby she had rickets, salmonella poisoning and was malnourished, but "Angelina spent every moment" with her and she is much better. Also inside: "Diva Longoria": Desperate Housewives star Eva has a shrine to herself in her home with poster-sized blowups of magazine covers she's been on; Lindsay Lohan may need sex rehab because she's been having erotic dreams and, according to a source,"desperately wants to sleep with someone" ; Penelope Cruz and Orlando Bloom are back on; Nicole and Joel are fighting because he wants a loft in New York and she's an L.A. girl who doesn't like winter; Beyoncé is a backstage drama queen and concert hall staff is not allowed to look at her or approach her; Kevin Federline "kept buying eight-balls of coke and had sex with different girls that his bodyguard, Big Mike, found for him"; Owen Wilson's suicide attempt could be a "cover up" since he has no scars on his arms and in the weeks before he was quarantined with adult chicken pox, which "triggered some bizarre but nonlethal behavior," namely, cutting; Jennifer Aniston says she "doesn't have a friendship" with Brad despite what he says; Denise Richards is a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality and obsessed with her 14 dogs; Drew Barrymore is "totally infatuated" with Justin Long because he makes her laugh; and lastly, "Big Stars, Bad Habits", in which Shia LaBeouf smokes, Avril Lavigne spits, Britney bites her nails, and Catherine Zeta-Jones "has a mouth like a truck driver."
Grade: B+ (Refreshing gin and tonic.)

4 Out Of 5 Tabloids Agree: Angelina Jolie Loves Her Kids; Either Loves Or Hates Brad

In Touch
"Angelina Trashes Brad," the cover claims, and inside, the eavesdropper reporter we told you about claims that Angelina and Brad fight over money — he "spends money like water" and she "donates one-third to charity but stashes the rest of it." In addition, Angelina is a strict parent while Brad lets the kids eat hot dogs and drink soda, Angelina tells Brad what to wear and he follows her lead. Also inside: A quote from Mary-Kate Olsen: "I run around in my house naked with heels and jewelry all the time"; Paris Hilton's new fragrance will be called Can Can; Jessica Alba's not happy that Cash Warren had a one-night stand with a "model" while she and Cash were on a break; stars' crazy backstage demands at the VMAs included fried chicken and Snickers for Fifty Cent, bananas and room temperature Fiji water for Justin Timberlake and a break-dance mat for Fall Out Boy. Lastly, thanks to Amy Winehouse, winged eyeliner is taking off.
Grade: B (Cheap glass of red wine.)