Our little sister once sent us a text message that read, "Herpes is everywhere. Like God." Then we started working at Jezebel and we knew it was true. And, if a certain feature spread in the new Us Weekly is any indication, every one in Hollywood has it. See, there's this "Meet The King & Queen of Fling" lovechain — kind of a rip-off of the herpes tree — except it centers around John Mayer and Cameron Diaz. Between the two of them, pretty much anyone going to the MTV awards is probably infected. Why? Derek Jeter is on the chart. Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, Jake Gyllenhaal, Diddy, Jessica Biel — the gang's all here! We never buy stocks but we're totally investing in whoever makes Valtrex. The full spread, after the jump.

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Earlier: Contrary To Popular Belief, Herpes Is So Whatevs
Did Derek Jeter Gave Poor Jessica Alba Herpes?

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