We'll tell you what kind of candy they're giving out over at the Daily Candy: The crack kind! Today, administrative assistants and mumsy accountants everywhere recoiled in horror when they realized that the internet's biggest cheerleader for conspicuous consumption was NSFW. At Daily Candy Everywhere a (sexually) frustrated playwright imagines a conversation between the two guys in the Macintosh commercials about the OhMiBod, the vibrator that hooks up to an iPod and vibrates to the rhythm of the music. "Once they set a playlist, they can hop on the soul train and get off at Masturbation Station," Mac guy says. Um, ew. There's more stilted sexuality in the Daily Candy Chicago entry, where a writer extols a class about oral sex in classic Candyese: "We promise it won't suck or bite. (And by the end of the hour, neither will you.)"
There are fecal references in both the Dallas and London entries; whoever wrote Kids maybe kinda hates their children, Travel features a photo of a dog wearing a ridiculous contraption and plugs Gas-B-Gone, a "fart absorbing cushion" and Seattle's review of a newly opened diner is written to the tune of "Casey Jones" by the Grateful Dead. "Trouble ahead/lady in red/Ultra-fresh BLTs and chopped salads will knock you dead."