The iPhone is Cool and All, But Can You Stick Your Dick in It?

I used to have a boyfriend. He was actually perfect: cute, funny, thoughtful, lots of chemistry, pulled my hair at all the right times. He was, for a period, even attentive—that is, until June 29, 2007, when the iPhone went on sale. And just like that, homewrecking Steve Jobs took my man away from me. Wherein we used to actually interact with one another during cab rides or walks or, you know, dinner, now I sit there and watch him make love to that damn phone, his unblinking eyes glazed over with rapt-geek puppy love. Granted, he is still a warm body with a functioning penis. I do still have that. But mental stimulation, emotional support—all that he gives, in full, to his beloved little iPhone. I try to pull him back to me, but he just exclaims, "Look at it! It's so thin!" Right, I get it. I'm fat. Go fuck yourself. Actually, no: You can go fuck your skinny little phone.

I sound dramatic, sure, but that image at top? Yeah, that's him. Taken while I was writing this very item, actually. See? IT NEVER ENDS. And as I'm wont to self-pity, I thought I had it bad. But it turns out, the love affair between men and their iPhones is getting a whole lot worse:

Thomas Martel, 28, of Bonnie Brae is a big guy. So he has a hard time using the features on ever-shrinking user interfaces on devices like his new iPhone. At least, he did, until he had his thumbs surgically altered in a revolutionary new surgical technique known as "whittling."

"From my old Treo, to my Blackberry, to this new iPhone, I had a hard time hitting the right buttons, and I always lost those little styluses," explains Martel. "Sure, the procedure was expensive, but when I think of all the time I save by being able to use modern handhelds so much faster, I really think the surgery will pay for itself in ten to fifteen years. And what it's saving me in frustration - that's priceless."

You know, men think women are crazy. And maybe we are. We do some psychotic stuff in the name of passion, stuff way more drastic than some insane surgery. But at least when we're boiling some little kid's rabbit, we're doing it out of love for another human being.

Surgically Alters Thumbs to Better Use iPhone [North Denver News]