Starvation Is Always In Style

Things we have come to expect from Women's Wear Daily: The fetishism of Ralph Lauren, the continued saga of Valentino's not-retirement, magazine editors saying cringe-worthy things. What we don't expect? Service journalism . But lo and behold, in this morning's edition of the trade paper, was a full-on diet feature pegged to a book called The Little Black Dress Diet, which guarantees the loss of 7 lbs in 7 days: Can your Ex-Lax/black coffee/enema regime do that? Probably. But for those who want the same results via purely herbal means, this is the fennel/dill/parsley diet you've been looking for. The full regime — with helpful translations by us! — after the jump.

The night before: Drink two glasses of hot water with lemon to stimulate the kidneys and eliminate fluid.
Translation: You're going to be peeing a lot tomorrow.
Just before bed: Put a tablespoon of chopped parsley and a teaspoon of crushed dill seeds into glass. Add boiling water, stir, cover and let sit for 10 minutes. Pour through a strainer and then sip slowly. Parsley is a natural diuretic and the dill eliminates gas.
Translation: You'll be shitting and farting a lot too.
First thing in the morning: Drink a large glass of hot water with lemon.
Translation: You gotta wash the taste of dill/parsley/vomit out of your mouth somehow.
Breakfast: A small bowl of oatmeal made with half a cup of oats, half a cup of skim milk and one cup of water — no salt. One small pot of Yakult, a probiotic drink from Ireland, and a sachet of Beneflora, a food supplement. Both contain beneficial bacteria that aid with digestion.
Translation: The quicker your stomach begins to digest itself, the quicker you'll get rid of that pot-belly.
Lunch: One apple, a generous bunch of grapes, one ripe banana and more hot water with lemon.
Translation: Sucrose + fiber = the runs. See? A flat belly by noontime!
Afternoon snack: Two cups of fennel tea (available in health food stores) and six dates, the semidried variety. Fennel helps eliminate gas and dates are a source of fiber and iron.
Translation: More gas, more bathroom runs.
Evening: One glass of parsley tea and one spoonful of slippery elm (an herbal powder available in health food stores) mixed into a paste with a little cold water and topped off with boiling water and a teaspoon of honey. It acts as an antacid and digestive protector to soothe the stomach.
Translation: You're going to be burping and doubled over in pain by the time Ugly Betty comes on. Slim Pickings [WWD, sub req'd]