'Fashion Rocks': The (Bleak, Scary) Future Of Music Magazines

Regular magazines are getting more like women's magazines every day. 'Fashion Rocks' is a particularly terrifying example of this.

"People have always loved the coupling of a rock star and a model," begins the cover story of the Conde Nast supplement Fashion Rocks. Um, what people? Homo-sapiens people? Anyway, welcome to Fashion RocksFrocks in the biz! — a magazine about music for people who understand that the only point of music is to drown out all communication in retail outlets so that people stay focused on buying clothes. Since 2004, Fashion Rocks has dared to ask all 47 million or so of its involuntary recipients the question: Is there a point to music that doesn't have to do with, you know, clothes? Answer: Not since the phrase "CD sales" wasn't an oxymoron! After the jump, some highlights from the future of music magazines, which is sort of like reading The New Republic as told to Tiger Beat.
  • SYNERGY: "What a nice, serendipitous piece of brand extension!" marvels editor John Van Meter in an editor's letter titled "Photo Finish." (ah, "Photo Finish" — what a catchy headline! It's almost as good as "The Eyes Have It"). Whatever he's talking about, "Fashion Rocks" will also be a VH1 show hosted, natch, by Jeremy Piven. Also, every single thing featured in this magazine has been featured in another Conde Nast Magazine, generally Teen Vogue or Glamour, in the past two months.
  • MUSIC-THEMED FRAGRANCES: Copyright infringement got ya down? Put out a perfume! "The once merely cozy worlds of celebrity fragrance and pop music have fallen madly in love with one another," the piece declares. (I smell even more synergy!)
  • MISSHAPES: A story about the underexposed DJ trio! Summarizing sentences, not lying when I say they're verbatim: "Oooh, lok at this: all these kids and stars and wannabes, all brought together by the Misshapes, one of the strongest style collectives in ages. What makes it so? They understand fashion as a living thing...as it represents how people live and feel. I love the name! MisShapes! And I love the people behind it.. [Speak for yourself -Ed.]...Spank Rock, a band that mixes techno so deftly with funk....I especially loved the girl, loved her Julie Christie-meets-Nico look. Bangs always work for me...Dreams: That is what nightlife in Manhattan has always been about....It was really something. And you felt like something, too, standing around club 57, in the East Village, which was maybe the best place because it was small, just an ugly basement, really, but brimming once a week with a kind of crazy artistry." New Yorker staffer Hilton Als, everyone!
  • KINGS OF LEON: Summarizing sentences: "It's hard to say what the Kings of Leon love more: beautiful women or superskinny jeans.. The Kings of Leon have been a longtime model favorite with their mellow Southern rock, laid-back attitude, and rocker-cool style."
  • BLOODY SOCIAL: Summarizing sentence: "Based on looks alone, Jamie Burke is a rock star...'They have true rock-n-roll style,' says [model Jaquetta] Wheeler of Burke's band.
  • RAZORLIGHT: Summarizing sentence: [Model Jessica] Stam thinks that music plays an integral part in her work because it 'controls the mood' on shoots."
  • AMY WINEHOUSE: "My hair's just gotten bigger over the past year...I have to have bigger hair.....It's usually really big...Sorry, I'm going to do my hair now." That's all but about ten words of the story.
  • JANIS JOPLIN: There's a photo shoot "inspired" by her style, and modeled by Raquel Zimmerman, a dead ringer for Janis. In that, they both have limbs and hair.
On a final note, readers, just remember that the above is the future... if you don't renew that subscription to Rolling Stone.