'Glamour' Magazine's Gyrating Seeds And Edgy Exes

The lives of the internet's vagina monobloggers are nothing if not hectic and emotionally-charged — sometimes too hectic for any of us to keep track of. That's why Intern Cheryl does it for us. In this edition of Vagina Monoblogs, Glamour's Storked! blogger Christine Coppa learns about the dangers of being pregnant in a pool, and Edgy English Teacher learns the dangers of allowing "The one that got away" to illustrate why, exactly, she got away in the comments section of one's own dating blog...

Storked!
Just 22 days left until the baby is surgically removed from her uterus, and "prego" Christine Coppa seems like she has nothing left to do. We envision her Pre-C-section checklist to closely resemble something like:

  • Name unborn child Mia. Find out it is a boy. Change name to J.D.
  • Buy condoms. Not for self, but for friends so they don't get knocked up.
  • Move out of Poppa Coppa's house against his will into new apartment. Outfit said apartment with unhealthy plethora of baby accoutrements such as diapers, rubber duckies, clothes, food, etc.
  • Do unborn baby's laundry.
  • Eat chocolate shit out of diapers.
  • Betroth J.D. to friend Kerry's daughter, although J.D.'s "seed gyrating to a strobe light's flicker" of a heart may be more interested in Maddox Jolie-Pitt.
  • Enlighten the general public with the fact that when your "water breaks" in a swimming pool, it may be commonly mistaken for your everyday pool fart.

    We really could have done without all of the above, Christine. But, if you could just stop being cagey and kindly fill us in on the whereabouts of J.D.'s biological father and why he ran, fleeing into the hills without any form of support, that would be great.

    Man Needs Date!
    Mike, a.k.a. 'Edgy English Teacher' (or 'EET' for those with a penchant for acronyms) is the new semi-permanent guest blogger for Glamour's Alyssacentric (Alyssa's face still watchfully hovers over the page that bears her name), who is presumably trying to nail his very own Glamour gig. Well, he's nailing something, that's for sure. Since commencing public idiocy over a month ago, EET has fucked his ex, posted a picture of her bra gently draped across his computer monitor, collected the digits of numerous uninteresting women, and started dating his coworker 'Pretty History Teacher' (PHT!). PHT seems like she should know better, but "she has a heart of gold," so that must mean she doesn't? Despite Ivy League lineage (just like Alyssa!) and being told about EET's blog, she is still dating him. Albeit, she has left him stranded on first base, which may have something to do with his inability to make decisions, or the fact that he may be a cheating asshole: About two weeks ago, EET posted a large picture and 274 word homage to Nancy "the one that got away" on her birthday. He also lets a former-fuckbuddy-turned-friend, Anna, guest blog. She talks about how her new boyfriend doesn't like EET because the only time he met him was when he came over "soused, after a day of snowboarding, and then proceeded to put on his red mittens and play Beyonce's "Irresistible" over and over as he danced by himself like a crazy man in my living room." To which the other ex, Nancy, comments, "Thanks Mike for the tribute on my b-day... very kind indeed. As for Anna, I remember him telling me all about you. You shared a classroom with Mike during the latter part of our 2-year "committed" relationship. In fact, Mike used to tell me how much he appreciated all the great relationship advice you gave him. I believe that's the only time you shared a classroom right? Well... I guess you gave him a little bit more than advice. Well, thanks guys... who needs commitment anyway?"