Am I alone in having fear put into my heart by those Gardasil commercials that tell me that I am definitely going to get human papillomavirus and die of cervical cancer? After all, 50% of Americans have HPV and 80% of American women will have contracted it by age 50, and, of course we're all aware of the fact that condoms don't do shit to help protect us from the virus — a little thigh-on-thigh action is all we need to become a statistic. Except: Now the Seattle Times has to come along and upped the ante: New studies have found HPV under the fingernails of men. Great! But what if we want to actually leave our homes and engage in, you know, real, live human contact? The poll that could save all of our cervixes, after the jump.