Dear Haters: Everyone Has Cellulite. We Consulted Our Ass

Dear Ad Age media critic Simon Dumenco,
We understand that because it took you an entire menstrual cycle to write about our Redbook cover expose, you kind of had to be "counterintuitive" and backlash to the backlash to the backlash or something. Calling us "self-righteous" is kinda weak, and pointing out that Faith Hill herself would probably rather look like her "unattainable" version (that = the point) is even weaker, but you almost redeemed yourself by telling us about airbrushing Pauly Shore's poopy underwear. (Skid marks = a post we wish we'd done earlier!) But then came this paragraph.

Which is why even Jezebel has to take money from marketers such as American Apparel — the pervy, hipster brand that's all about worshipping dewy, cellulite-free, half-naked youths..

Um, Simon, see an optometrist! American Apparel ads are the only reason we knew hipsters got cellulite. And stretch marks! And zits. JUST LIKE US. And Faith Hill. And third-world sweatshop workers. Which brings us to your conclusion, which is true if you substitute "urbanites who make more than $500,000 a year" for "Americans."

But the larger, really obvious truth here is that fewer and fewer Americans — females especially, but males, too — have the strength of character to age gracefully or entirely honestly.
Um, yeah. What "strengh of character" can't cover we're sure "whatever happens to our economy once they're finished outsourcing it to developing nations" will.

Hey, Would You Want Your Back Fat On The Cover Of Redbook [Ad Age]