Nicole Richie: Clingy, Small-Breasted, Girlfriend-From-Hell

If it's Wednesday, it must be 'Midweek Madness', in which we round up the newest celebrity weeklies and give 'em the once over so that everyone else can save their hard-earned cash for their second stints in rehab. This week we've got two covers with Daddy issues; Nicole Richie and Joel Madden's "fight" and Angelina and Brad's "split." (Since Lindsay Lohan was arrested early Tuesday morning after many of the weekly magazines close their issues, they had to scurry to shove in some last-minute Lindsay coverage.) After the jump — and with the invaluable help of Intern Maria — we present all the "news" that's fit to print from the celebrity psychodrama known as Hollywood.


Life & Style

  • Cover Story: Maddox Begs Angie And Brad: Stop Fighting! (Pages 28-31.) L&S claims that the gorgeous couple started fighting in front of the kids. Angie blames Brad for A Mighty Heart not turning into box-office gold — since he was the producer, "he should have marketed it differently." An insider says, "Brad turned to the boys and quickly asked them to go into the other room." Was the insider there? Is the insider Zahara? Oh, and there are sidebars: "Maddox Brought Them Together!" and "What Brad And Angie Fight About!". Which is: soy milk, Angie's weight loss, Jen Aniston. Hey, they're just like us!
  • How LC Dropped 15 lbs! (Pages 32-33.) Her diet has waffles in it. But they're whole grain!
  • Hollywood's Body S.O.S! (Pages 36-41.) This is one of those delicious photo-driven morsels in which we see celebrity flaws: Jennifer Garner's toe has a "mind of its own"; Madonna has weird arms; Kelly Ripa is "too ripped!"
  • Who's Up, Who's Down? (Pages 66-67.) This is how you know things have gone too far. They're printing that Beyoncé is up 15lbs., Nicky Hilton is down 13lbs., Jennifer Love Hewitt is up 15lbs. These claims are made by a dietitian and two trainers, based on the photographs provided. Make it stop!
  • Last but not least, there's a recipe for an Anti-Hangover Cocktail! (Page 76) Finally, news we can use!

Star
  • Nicole and Joel: The Big Blow Up! (Pages 42-44.) Star claims that Joel Madden is stressed out now that Nicole Richie is pregs. "I think Joel has an out of control temper," says an insider. Apparently Nicole went bra shopping and they didn't have a AAA — so she got a AA. When she came out, Joel was pissed! No explanation why. The sidebar asks "Will Joel Demand A DNA Test?" and implies that the baby-daddy could be Brody Jenner, DJ AM or, horrors, Jackass's Steve-O.
  • Star squeezed in one page on Lindsay Lohan's arrest — Lindsay Busted! (page 45) which says what we all already know — she was booked and fingerprinted and is now in outpatient rehab.
  • Julia & Danny's Green Dream House (pages 12-13). Julia Roberts is living eco-friendly, if you give a shit.
  • Beckham Backlash! (Pages 16-17.) People in L.A. are already sick of Posh and Becks.
  • The lead item in Couples News (page 18) is Neil Patrick Harris and his cute new boyfriend, David Burtka. Really cute. Seriously!
  • Wild Animals Stalk Wild Things Star Denise (page 37). Great headline! Coyotes are trying to kill Denise Richards's dogs.
  • Hot Pillow Talk: Guess Who? (Page 37.) The easiest blind item ever: "Which blonde broke up with her musician beau because he liked to watch guy-on-guy porn while they made love? And she's not the first woman to complain about it! *Cough* Jessica and John *cough*
  • Britney's Little Sister: Secret Pregnancy Drama (pages 48-9). Jamie Lynn Spears "missed her period and thought she was pregnant." OMG! Does this mean she's lost her virginity? What the hell is going on over at Nickelodeon??? "But then she found out it was a false alarm." Phew! The worst part? Britney promised to keep it a secret. Then how do we know about it? Star is juicy, y'all!

In Touch
  • Cover story: It's All Falling Apart! (Pages 36-9) Angelina and Brad are fighting all the time; Angelina might need help; "She's too thin." "Sounds terrible, but it seems like she's simply bored with Brad," says an insider.
  • In Touch managed to get "Lindsay Arrested Again" on the cover, but inside there's a picture of her with the anklet and a caption that reads "Clean, Sober—and Sexy!" (page 22). Whoops!
  • Britney Loses Control Again (pages 40-41) .The same bra-and-panties-in-the-ocean pictures you've already seen.
  • Fights, Tension and Drama: Will The Baby Tear Them Apart? (Page 42-3.) This time, the problem with Nicole Richie's relationship with Joel is that she's too clingy. And she's jealous of Hilary Duff.

Us Weekly
  • Cover story: Sexy Dads (pages 52-7). Jason Priestley's baby scrapbook. Snooze. Brad Pitt, Heath Ledger and Larry Birkhead are the other "sexy" papas.
  • Britney: Even More Bizarre (pages 58-9). Same swimming-in-the-undies pix.
  • The Hills Bikini Makeovers (pages 62-5.) Thin girls get thinner! Unlike Life & Style, Us had LC's cooperation. She claims to have lost 6 lbs, not 15. The other girls from The Hills got buff and toned as well.
  • Stars' DUI Anklets (page 71). The anklet people have gotten a lot more calls since Lindsay started wearing one. Wonder what will happen now that it's off? Pictures of Eve and Michelle Rodriguez rocking theirs, too. Is it too early for a cocktail?