So it's finally time: The dreaded bimonthly commenter performance review! Because I'm the conniving whore who plays politics, eats in the office cafeteria without paying for it and actually "manages" Jezebel readers while Anna, ahem, "manages up," I'm the one who gets to put a few of you on notice. So here we have it: seven commenters I'd like to fire for cause. Anna, somehow, doesn't wholly trust my judgment, so the final call is up to you guys, the readers. (What did you think, we'd just summarily execute the people we hate, like the medieval monarchs over at Gawker? We're your family. And we try to be nurturing because emotional intelligence is one of women's foremost assets in the workplace!) Whatever, so: There are a few of you I'm concerned might not be a good fit for this company. After the jump, the primary offenders (click on their commenter-names to see their actual comments), and a poll as to who deserves to get shitcanned the most. The top three vote-getters will get the boot by Monday. (And, as is the case with other Gawker Media blogs, booted commenters may be reinstated. If they ask really, really nicely.)
- Stacyinbean: I wouldn't usually keep around an employee who threatened (idly, I might add. REALLY idly) to quit nine times over a single post I wrote in a fit of traffic desperation, but you're 25 and clearly a little volatile. You've said yourself you possess a "different level of laziness," but your prolific output tells us you can be motivated if you care enough about the project at hand. You proved you were willing to learn when you thanked us for our lesson in men and the taste of sperm, but not our lesson in balancing work and love. And quite frankly, your accusations that I am personally racist and soulless are starting to sound like you're gearing up to file some sort of discrimination suit and "take me for all my money" or whatever.
- Lula Mae Broadway: I generally don't take personal taste into account when evaluating work performance, but your spirited defense of both of my ex-boyfriends' favorite movies and your admission that you are an Anglophile who "quite prefers" referring to private parts as "naughty bits" suggests your co-workers are starting to get annoyed.
- Nosalira: Even the intern we fired thinks you were nuts to defend his self-promoting ass. But we were even more concerned by the quiet desperation revealed in by your angry, hormonal 625-word comment on our Angelina Jolie blowjob post, which suggests you never learned the "Do As I Say, Not As I Babble" rule of underlingery. Have you been introduced to our efficacy coaches Strunk and White? They'll give you something to work on while you're not collecting unemployment.
- Nicoletchy: I like you, but your pernicious rumormongering suggesting I am pro the engagement in drunken dalliances with my subordinates was ill-advised. I do have standards.
- TheFrontPage: Your lack of enthusiasm for free booze with sluts and nerds is starting to strain on office morale.
- Jazz_Hands: While liked by your colleagues for your unsanitary personal habits and wit, your whipsaw aversion when faced with the harder, more nuanced truths that came out in our Radical Honesty office retreat suggest you might be unprepared for some of the more substantial challenges that lie ahead.
- ReaderRob: You look at Fleshbot on the job, you play in a Christian rock band and you told me my writing wasn't up to the standards of Lifehacker's. For these reasons, I think you're an asset to the team. But your lady colleagues obviously want you gone and I can't risk a sexual harrassment suit when the media already has its panties in a bunch over my advocacy of the withdrawal method of contraception.