Why are the men in funny movies played by such fat hopeless schlubs these days? This week's New Yorker ponders this enduring mystery only about six weeks late. It reminds us how we once dated a guy who likened our pairing to what he termed a "rom com" — a less Boomer-gay way of saying 'romantic comedy' — in which we would be played by Rosario Dawson and he would be played by John Goodman. "It wouldn't even have to be funny," he explained, while cackling hysterically. "Just having the two of them in bed — THINK OF THE PHYSICAL HUMOR." Uh, heh? Here's the thing: men watching romantic comedies need to have all their schlubby slackery traits reflected back at them so as to reinforce the fact that they are only here watching this romantic comedy is because they have won some sort of relationship lottery to be sitting next to the woman who has dragged them to this romantic comedy. As Gloria Steinem knows, most men would rather be watching man movies. In fact, John Goodman guy (Away message: "washing the blood out") had a personal cinematic "Man Trilogy" he once made us endure involving a reeeeally boring John Wayne film called The Quiet Man. And after our long-term ex "Ladybird" broke up with us he said we needed to see The Hustler to "understand" him. Memo to boys: maybe the trick is not MINDING that you can't always be closing!