Everyone Should Just Give It Up And Join Us At McDonald's

Nostalgia time! We used to count our calories on the backs of takeout menus and dry cleaner coupons we left all over the house. (Our mom found this habit sooooooo charming!) We still know the caloric content of everything, to the point that we're like the food versions of those rock snobs who, say, will insist "A.M." is is Wilco's best album, in part just to be contrarian and in part because it's actually true and anyone who disagrees can borrow my iPod and listen to "Passenger Side" over and over. (Uh, so that's us too.) Example: "Vitamin water has just as many calories as Gatorade, you know." To which some frigtard will inevitably reply, "But it has less sugar," to which we will, also inevitably, stare at them with the kind of horror normal people reserve for statements like "Iraq funded 9/11." Which is all a long way of getting to the point that the government is starting to make restaurants count calories. Which we can only see as a way to get people to come with us to McDonald's!

Seriously guys, I know the fast food industry has, like, ruined the world and everything, but a 4-piece box of chicken McNuggets has fewer calories and more protein than a Luna bar and taste oh so much better on a hangover. And it's on the dollar menu so it's sort of like getting back at the government for all those years of nation-defiling agriculture subsidies.

Calorie Counts May Clarify Options, Not Actions [NY Times]