Chinese Weight Loss Patch Sucks Out 26 Unwanted Chelsea Clinton Pounds THROUGH HER SKIN

Chelsea Clinton: long time, no hear, right? We've gotten literary greatness from Jenna Bush and Kristin Gore , a no-table dancing pledge on behalf of the Obama girls, and a cornucopia of aches, pains and malaises from Al Gore 3. Maybe we read something about how she's working a lot, at a job that pays more than we'll ever know, and keeping quiet on the campaign trail this time around.... because she's been losing weight! Just south of 30 pounds no less! All with the help of a mysterious Chinese herbal patch that apparently sends the orange oil out through your skin, as opposed to your anus...wait, really?! Um, well..

The geniuses behind the "America Seven-Point Thinness" patch claimed that Chelsea Clinton lost 26.5 pounds in a month using their product. But government-run Chinese television proved that the whole thing was a fake, using techniques Americans will fondly remembered from the classic "Fight Back With David Horowitz" TV show. Western media has largely ignored the controversy, since it's well known to all that Chelsea Clinton has, like any rational American, improved her appearance through cosmetic surgery, not herbal Oriental quackery.
So THAT explains it. Will the tabs pounce on this on time to give us some quotes from an expert LipoDissolve analyst and maybe a sidebar on the shrinkings and growings of Jenna's muffin top? We could use a break from the hard news this week. Department of More Chins Than....Chinese Fraudsters Insult Presidential Offspring; WWIII Imminent [Wonkette]