Getting A Girl Pregnant: Kind Of Like Halo! A Man's Quest, In Two Parts

Chris Nieratko is an old friend of ours who is best known for eating 50 raw eggs on Jackass and writing a porn column that is really more of a "life lessons" column for Vice. His new memoir-anthology Skinema is a work of total perverted autodidact genius that we keep meaning to post about and then pussying out because um objectivity/TMI-xiety or something. But we still read his blog for his updates on his valiant effort to knock up his wife. Which, it turns out, is kind of like playing videogames!

You cannot begin to understand the sense of pride I felt knowing that my aim was that true. I began to refer to myself as the Sniper. I began doodling little sketches of penises with shotgun scopes and stocks beneath the words "BEWARE THE SNIPER." I planned to get it tattooed on my body. I began to think that me and my penis were the cure to any woman's infertility. Once word spread of my supersperm, couples the whole world over would be knocking at my door begging me to inseminate their wives. And maybe I would... maybe I would. But for a price! The Sniper doesn't cum cheap!

At which point his wife waves a bloody piece of toilet paper in his face.

I continue to pull out as a force of habit. Christ! For 20 years I have been pulling out to NOT get girls pregnant, so now I keep forgetting that I have to leave it in if there's to be any hope of me being even a recreational marksman. I'm considering tying a rope around us so I can't go anywhere. I know this all may seem rather sad and uninteresting to you, being all young and hip and high on COCAINE, but this is what you have to look forward to. You just wait until the day comes when you have to second-guess the abilities of your penis.

So that's aging for you. We get fat, saggy, varicose veiny, emotional, menopausal, stretchmarked and wrinkled, and the whole time he's just focused on his cock.

Beware The Sniper [Vice]