I know that feeling this way is misogynistic and very immature—so don't belabor those points, and if you must just e-mail me—but I really can't deal with the fact that women poop. Sorry. Hearing them fart is bad enough, but seeing them grab the Charmin Ultra economy pack gives me panic attacks the likes of which I haven't seen since I believed in cooties.
The above copy appeared on gossip blog MollyGood today underneath a photo of Jessica Biel (which we don't have, as you can see) pricing bulk toiletpaper at a L.A. supermarket. It sent Anna (and the few female friends she sent it to) into a rage of righteous, monstrous, Gender Studies 101 proportions. It did not do the same for Moe, who, well, simply laughed. After the jump, a pre-menstrual Anna and post-menstrual Moe sorta hash out whether blogs like MollyGood are bad for women, or good for the human race.
POINT (ANNA): Who would have thought that I'd ever defend Jessica Biel? But this sorta stuff is precisely why I often hate gossip blogs. (Sadly, Jezebel has been accused of being such a blog!). Most of them feature offensive, misogynist bullshit usually written by men with a penchant for objectifying and critiquing women's bodies. In fact, every day, one of these sites has at least one (although usually more like five to ten!) nasty posts about the latest starlet to you know, display some cellulite, leave the house without makeup, or — horrors — not starve herself to below 100 lbs. quickly enough after giving birth. It's their bread and butter. These bloggers get particularly up in arms over women displaying any sort of bodily function, like, you know, sweat stains. (For one particular blogger, crude scribblings meant to denote urine streams are a favorite insult.) Such posts, although funny at times, send the message readers (most of whom are fairly young, fairly impressionable females) that any woman who, you know, isn't a well-preserved living doll with perfectly formed breasts, a thick coat of makeup and 15% body fat, is somehow unclean, undesirable, unfeminine. Here's a news bulletin for all those men (and women!) out there who hate the idea that a woman has bodily functions: Get over it! I did! Like, when I was, oh, about fifteen (and I'm not even that mature!). In fact, right now, my uterus is about to begin contracting and expelling the lining that's been building up up in it for the past few days, just waiting for chance to nourish a baby. This lining will exit via my vagina, in the form of blood and, sometimes, clots of tissue. (As in the fleshy stuff, not Kleenex!) This happens about once a month. More than once a month? Other things happen. Like peeing! Shitting! Oh, and farting is also a common occurrence — did you read our post about farting from Monday? — and if I eat 'right' (read: 'eat bad') I can keep up with the best of 'em! (Sometimes I even fart in front of my boyfriend! If he does it, why can't I?). Call me gross (yes!), call me humorless (sure!), call me whatever. (Pre-menstrual? Absolutely!) But women are taught to hate themselves enough as it is. Let's not teach the young'uns out there that fucking toilet paper is something to be ashamed of.
COUNTERPOINT (MOE): In China, where I happened to endure puberty, one of the ways Mao humbled (humiliated, same diff) the population was by making all the bathrooms these communal open air affairs where you'd literally just pick a spot over an anemic stream of water and defecate into a hole, all in front of your fellow womyn. If I grew up in that country and still have problems with other people knowing I shit then it must be in my DNA somehow. And even during the height of the Cultural Revolution they allowed the men and the ladies to shit separately. I am making that up but I'm pretty sure it's true, because if they hadn't no one would have ever gotten laid! And then they'd have worse population problems than they already do. Fantasies like the shitless Jessica Biel might just keep the human race human.