A stand-up comedian named Mike Somerville has been voted Glamour magazine's new "Jake" columnist, which is to say he is Glamour's new self-branded proprietary 'expert' on men and dating. Somerville's dispatches are written at around the 4th grade level so luckily, reading his work is not too much of a challenge if you burnt up all your neurons keeping up with the energetic prose of that other (and now former!) Glamour "dating columnist", Alyssa Shelasky. How did the not-exactly-awe-inspiring Somerville won over a plurality of 36,684 Glamour readers? Beats the shit out of us.
•Somerville has never had a one night stand.
•He is 34. (Thirty-four!)
•He is dating a 21-year-old he calls "Artist Girl."
•Initially he was dating two women but the smarter one — a 30-year-old banker — broke up with him.
•This is how he differentiated between the two women: "One would be great in bed while the other has a bed." (Puke.)
•When the 30-year-old broke it off with him he ate an entire chocolate peanut butter pie.
•On June 6, he texted "Artist Girl" and proceeded to drink himself into a stupor waiting for her reply. When she finally did, she incorporated an emoticon, sending him into such ecstatic paroxysms that he responded by professing his love for her on the blog.
Clearly this all means something! (What that something is, we don't know). But we're curious: Would you do him? Take our poll, below.