Once a week our friend Slut Machine winnows down the most important programming on television to a delicious two to three minute-long morsel of vagina-themed gold. Behold The Lady Bunch

Thank God for The View, and the crack of B.Dub's whip. She works those ladies to the bone. They're live with new episodes all summer. Meanwhile, it's been reruns for Tyra and Oprah all week. But seriously, it doesn't matter if the eps are new or old because all the shows really only ever discuss the same two topics all the time anyway: food and sex. Don't get me wrong—I'm totally not complaining. I am so on board for any discussions regarding masturbation or a plate of ribs. Or pretty much any thing regarding masturbation or a plate of ribs.


So, let's actually review the ribs thing. We all know Tyra loves her ribs.

A God That Comes Between Joy Behar And Her Vibrator Is Not Worth Praying To, Plus LL Cool J's Nerdiest Confession

Remember when she sucked all the meat off the bone in one swift movement in front of the anorexic church lady Gwen Shamblin? That was awesome and all, but I do think it's weird that she's always trying to eat with her guests, even if the interview isn't about food at all. She force fed ribs to Niki Taylor, and when Molly Sims was on, she brought out some red velvet cake. It's like she won't be satisfied until all models are 161 right there with her.

Oprah served up a plate of food-based episodes, and had a whole hour with her nutritionist Bob Greene. But she also had some big names on her couch this week. She talked molestation with Mary J. Blige, and makeovers with Iman and Naomi Campbell, with whom she rehashed some of her bad hair days. I totally forgot about her Tina Turner wig. I must've suppressed the memory.

A God That Comes Between Joy Behar And Her Vibrator Is Not Worth Praying To, Plus LL Cool J's Nerdiest Confession

Speaking of hair, Jon Bon Jovi was on the view this week.

A God That Comes Between Joy Behar And Her Vibrator Is Not Worth Praying To, Plus LL Cool J's Nerdiest Confession

Wouldn't it have been more fitting had his shirt said this:

A God That Comes Between Joy Behar And Her Vibrator Is Not Worth Praying To, Plus LL Cool J's Nerdiest Confession

As far as guest co-hosts this week, it was the best of times and the worst of times. First off, Star Parker was on. I'm not gonna even go into because she's her own separate post. And Sherri Shepherd was on again. I thought I couldn't hate her anymore than I already did, but then she revealed this week that she's "a spanker"; and she hits her two-year-old son in public. I mean, I don't even like children, and I'm sure that anything Sherri Shepherd popped out would be at least HALF as annoying, but still, hitting babies is wrong. No?

Oprah's BFF Gayle King was on twice this week. I'm no lezzie or anything but I can't help fagging out about her. She's fabulous!

Oh, and while we're on the subject of fagging out:

A God That Comes Between Joy Behar And Her Vibrator Is Not Worth Praying To, Plus LL Cool J's Nerdiest Confession

I'm absolutely offended that he thinks he should be a permanent co-host. The whole thing about The View that makes it awesome is that it's women. Sorry, P. You may be a queen, and you may lack balls, but you're still not qualified for the position.