Angelina Jolie: A Woman For All Seasons (And Sexes)

Ron Rosenbaum's critique of Esquire magazine's story on Angelina Jolie got lots of press, but his slam of celebrity magazine profiles missed one particular point: That it's just as often the readers as the publicists who demand those "received myths of Celebland" in their magazine profiles... and that those myths are often, like, totally at odds! Take Esquire's sister publication Marie Claire (the two magazines like to swap sex surveys!) which also features an interview with Jolie in its July issue, one with a completely different — albeit just as snooze-worthy — take on the actress. In fact, if the content (not to mention the covers) of each title are any indication, college-educated, fashion-minded young women want their Angelina accessible (sincere, smiling, clad in hues of virgin-white) and college-educated, masturbation-minded young men want the exact opposite (a modern-day Joan of Arc, if you will, if the martyr was clad in matelasse instead of chain-mail). It's so confusing!!! After the jump, Angelina Jolie's duality, as explained in the details.

Her Facial Features: Normal? Or Not Normal?
Marie Claire:

Up close, Jolie's fabled eyes and lips aren't the carnival attractions you might expect — without some wicked thought to animate them, they don't seem overtly suggestive—but there's no mistaking her world-class allure.
Esquire:
Her eyes and lips are, as advertised, extravagant creations, but then, in addition to all that extravagance, they also glisten like wet roads in a car commercial... her sexiness is supposed to be, like her lips, larger than life, but in fact it's smaller, because it shows through in her gestures and in the details of her beauty. And so it's not the main thing when you meet her.
Her Body: Healthy? Or Emaciated?
Marie Claire:
The dark jacket she's wearing over a sleeveless blouse and pants mutes her curves; my initial impression is that she seems both thinner and livelier than the last time we met, two years ago....Jolie slides into the booth—a perfectly normal-size woman, despite the statuesqueness she projects on film.
Esquire:
She walked in wearing a very short beige raincoat cinched at the waist with a black belt and palomino-colored high heels. Her waits was very small—diminished, even—and so the raincoat was drastically tufted over her bare legs, liked the white dress that Marilyn wore over the subway grating... and so her meaning only became clear when the raincoat came off and she sat at a corner table in a black dress with a plunging neckline and a plunging back. Now, however, she was also extremely thin. Her body, once iconic for its comic-book voluptuousness, as become iconic in a completely different way—runic, in fact, both a symbol and a consequence of her absolute dedication to her causes.
Her Skin: Maternal? Or Militaristic?
Marie Claire:
Even the tattoos on her stomach, including the one that reads "What nourishes me, destroys me" in Latin, sprang back. "I was really sure that when I had a baby, these would go all funky," she says, motioning toward her narrow midsection, "but they are still very readable."
Esquire:
And yet her flesh—her golden, mortified flesh—is extraordinary: Like the sheets on a barracks bed, there's no slack to it. And it shines. The beauty mark splashed over the finial of bone adorning her bare shoulders: It shines. She shines all over.
Her Life: Well-planned? Or spontaneous?
Marie Claire:
Judging from her choice of roles... to her well-chronicled offscreen adventures... she's a heedless daredevil. In reality, however, she's a meticulous planner. 'Brad always makes fun of me because I do that," she says. 'I prepare for everything to go completely wrong. As I say to him, 'It's because I don't want anything to take me by surprise.'
Esquire:
'Brad's more—well he doesn't get angry with me. He just gets concerned. He's much more—well, maybe he's smarter about it. The attitude being, Let's not just be walking around here, let's be cautious in a healthy way. I'm brave to the point of stupidity sometimes. He's asking if the property can be de-mined again.'
The Start Of Her Love Affair: Innocent? Or Insidious?
Marie Claire:
Along with her far-reaching humanitarian work, Jolie, 32, has a real love — perhaps you've heard — with Pitt, whom she met while making 2005's Mr. And Mrs. Smith. "I wasn't looking at the time," Jolie says. "I was quite happy having lovers and being a single mom"—to Maddox, whom she'd adopted in March of 2002 from a Cambodian orphanage with second husband Billy Bob Thornton. "The last thing I was looking for was somebody to have a relationship with."... Of falling for Pitt, Jolie says, "I think the world knew before I did."
Esquire:
She has a twisted double life because she wrested Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston.
Her Appetites: Controlled? Or Crazy?
Marie Claire:
The waitress stops by. Would Jolie like another class of wine? 'No, thank you,' she says with a rueful smile. 'I think I've cried enough already.'
Esquire:
And when she visits, Bognar says, 'Angie roughs it. She lives with us in the forest and eats the crickets and cockroaches the locals east with out thinking twice about it.'

MarieClaire
Esquire
Related: The Worst Celebrity Profile Ever Written? [Slate]