Glamour has been holding a contest to replace its dating columnist "Jake" since roughly the last presidential election, and while you may no longer actually vote in the contest itself you can vote in a sort of side-wager as to who was voted the New Jake (winner announced in July!) a game we found ourselves playing today because we are, um, lazy. Which is when we found this intriguing feature wherein the three candidates — sensitive dad Adam, stand-up comic Michael and former Gawker Intern Neel Shah — interview their ex-girlfriends. And um realized there is only one rightful winner of this contest:
Marty: [You] made me feel important, smart, beautiful, sexy..... There was a lot of good. We wouldn't still know each other now if there wasn't. There were a lot of things I was wrong about, though.
Adam: What were you wrong about, you think?
Marty: To trust you. I absolutely trusted you, and you weren't trustworthy.
Adam: Something we should say, though, is that we met when I was 20 and you were 29. Do you think that had an impact on our relationship?
DUDE. Who does that? Who trusts a 20-year-old male? Isn't that like trusting an incredibly generous heir to a large but inconveniently-located sum of money who happens to hail from Nigeria?
What's more, we realized that Adam was also the same entrant who, in the first challenge of this idiotic contest, had his love advice for Glamour dating blogger Alyssa Shelasky doctored to better offend her fragileness by the catty Glamour editors. Clearly Adam's the beaten-down-but-deserving Al Gore to Intern Neel's bright, clean Obama. Not that we actually want someone who's not a cougar-chasing 24-year-old commitment phobe (of gargantuan proportions) to be penning this column now that we actually have to read it, but seriously Adam, we endorse you from a moral perspective. You know, because we are people of MORALS.