You might have noticed that this week's 'Midweek Madness' trailed off somewhere around the Bauer Publishing titles, otherwise known as In Touch and Life & Style. Here's the thing about those magazines: They should really not exist. We know we say that a lot and it is getting old and by the way fuck you, but what we mean is that these magazines are right up there with mint mojito flavored gum in the things we didn't ever want to have to look at in line at the drugstore checkout, and yet they persist to exist. What's more, these magazines have persisted in creating a whole clique of idiotic celebrities we really don't want to look at, the most idiotically persistent of whom are named Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. With nary a DUI charge nor a drunken romp at church nor a single incident of coked-up knifeplay, these two blond people-esque beings have dominated the Bauer celebrity magazines for weeks in an almost sinister streak of publicity that smacks to us of those elections where someone like, we don't know, Saddam Hussein or Mao would win like 99% of the vote. After the jump, Intern Maria takes her celebritologist microscope to the coverage in a plot that begs the question, Who is Paying Whom And Can't The Feds Freeze All Their Assets Already?
On May 14, Heidi and Spencer spoke to In Touch about the L.C.-Heidi "feud", with no official comment from L.C. In Touch featured a box about who was winning the "war" between them (pages 40-41).
Then on May 21, InTouch also ran "candid" shots of Spencer and Heidi frolicking on the beach, replete with enhancements, describing the couple as "so-in-love" (page 12). The same week, Life & Style announced the results of a poll of readers as to whether they believed Heidi had received cosmetic surgery, thus injecting an element of doubt into the procedure that by all accounts did not actually exist, with an accompanying boob-beach-frolicking photo (page 64).
On May 28, Life & Style chose to print another batch of "candid" love-bird photos wherein Heidi and Spencer wore matching shirts and rode roller coasters ("so in love!"). In the accompanying text, Heidi was quoted saying the "doesn't think there is one thing [she] doesn't love about Spencer" (page 42).
Always eager to demonstrate their devoted readership, on June 4 Life & Style printed a picture of Heidi "candidly" reading an issue of the magazine, neglecting that she might have been reading it because she was also on the fucking cover (page 18).
And finally this week, Life & Style runs a photo of Heidi and Spencer at a pediatric AIDS benefit that apparently The Hills co-star Lauren Conrad attended as well. Spencer also announces that he and Heidi are going to Cabo San Lucas (page 13) for what will no doubt be a "so in love!" vacation under the sun. It would be nice to say we wish the couple a relaxing sojourn south of the border, but you know what? We're not always nice and we don't. In fact, we hope the two contract a particularly virulent strain of Montezuma's Revenge and crap themselves in full view of the assembled paparazzi there to record their every fucking move.