How Not To Leave Your House

Sometimes we think we'd really like to do something ambitious for once, like assemble our bed frames, or make a red velvet cake. The vast majority of times, it's hard enough to tear ourselves away from the internets long enough to turn on the television. (Which, for the record, is how we ended up missing the Paris press conference this morning!) Welcome to Hints From Hell™, your weekly dose of desperation-aiding words of advice for days like today, FROM days like today:

  • Water Is Almost Like Milk. Say you want cereal, and you've got cereal, but you don't have milk, or like, your milk's sell-by date is... oh man, don't tell us... Yesterday, we learned that water works almost as well; in fact we could barely taste the difference, until the last few bites, which were pretty, er, watery.
  • Paper Towels Are The New Coffee Filters. We were utterly taken aback when we realized, this morning, that we had no more coffee filters. We drink approximately nine cups per day, and it is the one thing in our lives that we take seriously, so seriously we own a fucking grinder. So in the absence of filters we thought, "ok, we'll just have to go down the street to Starbucks." Ah, wishful thinking! However, cramming Charmin in the filter worked like a charm. Yes, we know what you are thinking: But if you use paper towels for coffee, what do you do for toilet paper? Glad you asked!
  • Tampons are even more absorbent than toilet paper. Remember "sets" and "subsets"? (Like, how all the prime numbers are odd numbers but not the other way around? Or wait, except for two.. ANYWAY!) Tampons are our latest in addition into the category of "Things that are both flushable and absorbent enough to wipe your parts." If only toilet paper was quite so effective with the monthly visitors!

Have a helpful tip you'd like to share with 'Hints'? Comment below! We'll choose the best hints and pretend they were our own! But don't worry, the real losers among you will know the truth.