Dear L.A. County Sheriff's Department: Fuck You.

  • Paris Hilton is free. We don't know why, but think we'll be forced to watch the damn press conference? On second thought, no, we think we'll ask Anna. Uh, Anna, pretty please? [TMZ]
  • After spending $55 million spoiling her, a Page Six blind item is suggesting Devil Wears Prada actress Anne Hathaway's real estate mogul boyfriend is cheating on her. With a woman for whom he buys lingerie at Victoria's Secret? How high-low! [Page Six]
  • Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz is 28! (Just like the average age of US!). To celebrate, Ashlee Simpson bought him a Revenge of the Jedi poster to appeal to his "inner geek." This is not as fun a gift to write about as the time John Mayer gave Jessica Simpson that thesaurus as a gift, but maybe Tolstoy was right and some couples are just HAPPY. [People]
  • Bruce Willis no longer a Republican. We'd make some snarky comment about a change in tax bracket or something, but uh, seriously guys, at this point we wouldn't be surprised if Charlton Heston was next. Also, Willis thinks teachers should be paid $150,000 a year, which we totes cosign, especially since our mom is a teacher and we might need to move back in with her soon. [Politico]
  • Britney Spears made out with her 38-year-old drug counselor in a pool, Sources say she has "no shame." [MSNBC]
  • Liz Smith thinks Roseanne Barr should replace Rosie on The View. [NY Post]
  • Hugh Hefner is not as straightforward as John Mayer is about telling his dumb blonde girlfriends they're just that: The Hef tells Elle writer Daphne Merkin instead, then tells his dumb blonde girlfriend Kendra that Merkin is a vagina wig (ok! made that part up. Just showin off our thesarus skillz! But he said something to assuage her concerns) then writes Daphne to say "Why don't you write a New Yorker story about it?" Uh, cause then we would have to read it. [Page Six]
  • How do you know it's a slow news day? When Page Six runs items involving the term "Philadelphia." Thank god for Paris, right? [Page Six]