We were super excited to try our hand at critiquing the presidential candidates in last night's Republican debate in New Hampshire after giving their Dem counterparts the once-over on Monday. After all, these pols are all white Christian dudes! And as such, they just love telling us exactly what we should not be doing with our bodies, our taxes, our military resources... we could go on forever! So we decided to turn the tables and give them a few things to mull over.
John McCain: The Arizona senator screams Politician 101, with his blue shirt with a red and blue striped tie. The quintessential white guy running for office uniform.
Rudy Giuliani: Rudy's red tie also says he's a white guy running for office. It's also a visual clue that he's a Republican for any of those other Republicans worried that all that crazy NYC liberalism might've rubbed-off on him during that unfortunate mayoral stint. Also, red tie = Christian white dude.
Mitt Romney: Funny, but the former governor of Massachusetts is also a... white Christian dude. But he's a Mormon, mind you, and distinguishes this by going with slightly-alt politician blue as opposed to slightly-conservative red. But it's still one of the two go-to politician tie colors, so we can rest assured that he still doesn't want us to have an abortion.
Sam Brownback: Whoa, Brownback almost threw us for a loop there. The senator from Kansas' tie is neither red nor blue! Thank goodness he's Christian and white or else that green-hued tie might have misled us to believe he's one of those wacky, God-hating, Negro environmentalists!
Tommy Thompson: White shirt, red tie, angry hands: The former governor of Wisconsin is also definitely (just want to hammer this home one more time!) a Christian white dude running for the Republican nomination. The suit and tie alone, we know, just say plain ol' politician, but the angry hands screaming about why we have to rid out country of the evils of gay marriage (you know, as opposed to dependence on foreign oil) totes says "I [Heart] The GOP" even more than an "I [Heart] The GOP" t-shirt would.
Mike Huckabee: The former governor of Arkansas also sports classic blue — but in a subtle pattern! We'd worry that 'pattern' might equate 'Democrat' (if not also, possibly, 'homo' — the gays like patterns, don't they?), but, thankfully, he's a guy who hates Darwin. Sleep safely tonight, Republicans — this man's no fashion fag.
Tom Tancredo: Also known as poor man's Giuliani, the representative from Colorado whose last name (tread lightly, friend, tread lightly) also belies an ethnic heritage is wearing (yawn) a white shirt with (yawn) a red tie and (yawn) a dark suit.
Jim Gilmore: He's the former governor of Virginia. White shirt. Red tie. Dark suit. Christian. White. Male. Gilmore bores us, and we'd like to stop trying to think of something that sets him apart from his fellow candidates (he's even sporting the Republican angry hands, damnit!), but we just can't and would rather go back to watching the Kathy Griffin marathon we TiVo'd. (No, you people don't want to watch with us. Kathy likes gays and hates the war.)
Duncan Hunter: Duncan, Duncan, Duncan; What's with that ambiguously dark tie? If this guy wasn't a [insert obviousness here], that whole "I'm from California" thing + the die would totally yield some major Republican mud-slinging. But whatever, almost no one's ever heard of him anyway.
Ron Paul: Uh, oh, Ron's wearing blue. And he's got some sorta funny pin on his jacket. This can't be helping his fellow Republicans' suspicions that he's actually...a Communist spy. Thank god he didn't wear pink!