'US Weekly' Takes A Stab At The Minnillohan Fallout; 'Star' Inspires Us With Cellulite Stories

Welcome to Midweek Madness, Jezebel's weekly roundup of the celebridiocracy as seen through the gimlet eyes of Bonnie Fuller, Janice Min and whoever the fuck is responsible for Bauer Publications. In which we "read" the Wednesday tabs. So you don't "have" to.

US Weekly
We hate to be predictable, but even though InTouch wins our "What You Should Read In The Line To Pick Up Your Mood Altering Pharmaceuticals" award for its counterintuitive suggestion that Nicole Richie actually ovulates, we picked up US Weekly first today, because, and only because, of a hundred-word "Love Lives" feature (page 51) on Seth Rogen's live-in girlfriend (the shackup of Knocked Up!) aspiring screenwriter Lauren Miller. A writer with a thing for fat guys! Dare we say that sounds JUST LIKE... well, you get it. Because, let us tell you, the whole "Will Vanessa Minnillo's slutty-ish confusing knife-wielding Linday pix come between her and Nick Lachey" premise of the US Weekly cover story ? Well it wasn't much of a premise! Especially considering that we learn inside that Lindsay + Minnillo are "not BFFs" (page 64).

In other news, Angelina is so skinny because she has a guilt complex about the billions and billions and billions of people in the world who don't have enough to eat. What? Didn't that mom whose death was last month's excuse for her anorexia teach her the Clean Plate Club Theory of Starving Children? Or are Maddox and Pax now sitting around fasting in luxury out of guilt for their old countrymen too? Sigh..

Star
*Cottage Cheeks! Taking at cue from the recent NY Mag issue on cancer survivors, Star gives an inspiring spin to an evergreen downer of a magazine topic. You know, summer cellulite! That's right, they found stars who BEAT it! Intriguingly, the star of the package is one Britney Spears, whose feta-ass (hey, we've got one too!) we just glimpsed on Monday after paps snapped a photo of her World's Largest Wedgie in Mexico. But according to Star (page 50), Brit has actually gotten rid of her dimples through LipoDissolve, which makes us wonder if the real story-behind-the-story would not be "How stars got the celeb tabs to stop writing about their tapioca thighs." In sidebars: Mischa Barton and Kimberly Stewart are encouraged to not "give up" their quest to get rid of their "cellulite" (p. 54 and 55). Other tidbits from Star today? *Brad says no more to being "Mr. Mom"! (pages 48-9); Underage drinking EXPOSED (p. 46-7); "Celebs don't play by the same rules as the rest of us" (page 47); Jesse McCartney (?) is a lush and some waitresses are scared to ID celebs because they might get in trouble or fired (page 47); Paris Hilton will get serious bank for all the interviews and book deals after jail. No shit! (page 45)

Life & Style
Baby News! Angelina wants two more kids, so it's a good thing Maddox is nearing baby-sitting age already (page 27); Katie Holmes [According to Tom Cruise it's "Kate" now. -Ed.] also wants another baby and is on a special diet that Tom "helped devise" of egg-white omelettes and fruit and probably the bone marrow of aliens (page 28); Nicole Richie might be preggers because she has a bit of a lump in some unflattering jersey dress and made a recent visit to a "reproductive clinic". However, she could just have that weird bump cause she's malnourished (page 30). Other tidbits: Britney's revealing confessions! L&S needs to bring in some Ph.D to decode Britney's blog posts (page 37); Top Hollywood Dads: Brad is number one! (page 49). Oh! And Spencer Pratt of The Hills gives #1945 in a string of exclusive interviews, reveals he is "pretty obsessed" with Heidi Montag and he thinks she is going to change the music industry. Because, you know, she is so not dependent on affirmation from men for self-actualization! (Page 51).

InTouch
Stars Without Makeup! cover story: All of them look generally good w/o make up except Emily Deschanel (page 37). Also: More on Nicole's bump! She is soooo in love with Hilary Duff's ex-boyfriend (page 42); and remember when she played a pregnant woman on The Simple Life? No? (page 43). Also: One "pal" says that Nicole is too thin to be pregnant. What about we leave that to the BIG GUY, frenemies??? Other tidbits: Lindsay Lohan isn't taking rehab seriously (page 26), Callum Best says "who cares" when asked about her (page 27). And lastly, all about Paris Hilton: She will make a lot of money (page 57), painted some ceramic things at Color Me Mine before she went to prison (page 56), and rounded out her week-long voyage of almost perversely inane shows of spiritual soul-searching at Paula Abdul's House of Sunday Upchuck...also known as church! (Page 56).