How To Fight

ABC News online has just posted a 7-point story about how women can protect themselves from "surprise attacks". Included: Tips we knew about (scream, carry a whistle on your keychain); tips we didn't (use your car antenna or windshield wiper as a weapon); and one REALLY helpful blanket suggestion (be "conscious of your surroundings"). We have seven suggestions of our own:

1. Don't scream "help!" If history is any indication, it doesn't so much work for chicks. Instead, try "Fire!" or maybe "Larceny!" People hate it when their property is endangered.

2. Fingernails: Always helpful for gouging eyes, tearing testicular tissue. Not that we'd know!

3. As recent events have illustrated, sometimes privileged, well-adjusted athletic fraternity men do not actually have a deep-seated desire to attack you. However: we went to high school with this kid, so we're staying away anyway!

4. Rapex

5. Avoid men with goatees.

6. A gun collection might be a warning sign. And it's sorta not ACLU-friendly to point this out but there are things called video games, of which there is a subset called "first-person shooters," which, literally interpreted, means the person playing them wants to feel, in the "first-person" sense of the term, what it's like to... well anyway: maybe hang out with people who have better hobbies! Like ultimate fighting maybe!

7. If you met him cause he worked at the same fashion magazine, your biggest fear is prob that he's a little fruity, right? Because, how could he, like, stand to work there without going a little apeshit if he wasn't? Yeah, don't learn that lesson the hard way.

Protect Yourself From Surprise Attacks
Earlier: Warning! Severe Dick Damage!
Related: Kitty Genovese [Wikipedia]