Fatal Epidemic Breaks Out In UK: Paralysis-Yielding Jeans To Blame

Pity the Englishwoman with DFS: Debilitating Fashion Syndrome. Hitting England harder than the Bubonic plague — and with even more grotesque results! — DFS-afflicted women find themselves unable to eat, bend, walk, or sit, all because of their fashion choices. Case studies of these self-mutilating fashion fiends, after the jump.

The High-Waisted Denim Abuser:

'I can't do anything normal in these jeans. I can't bend. And you can forget food - it's liquids every two hours, and not too much, at that. They have taken over my life. I can't even wash up.'
The Louboutin Addict:
'They're so high that I've become banister-reliant. My days of walking down the middle of the stairs are over - there has to be a banister, or I can't move.'
The Chanel Whore:
One all-powerful editrix-in-chief recently joined a gym and went once, never to return...[She] couldn't understand why her personal trainer wasn't keen to let her on the treadmill in her Chanel platform sneakers with diamanté double Cs and dinky bows.
The Delusional Hobbler:
[She has such an] extreme wardrobe that it requires an entourage: one helper to carry the three designer handbags she routinely totes, and another to cling on to for support when she totters around in impossible heels. 'She threads her arm through mine, and we're off. Well, she hobbles and I drag her,' says her appointed walker.
So if you see a woman looking fearful when faced with a scary staircase or stranded in a crosswalk, abandoned by her dragger and unable to lift her well-heeled footsies, do your part and help the poor sicko out. Or just laugh and keep walking. That works too!

I Don't Do Walking... [Times of London]