Over the weekend, we and half of America saw the movie "Knocked Up", wherein an "Access Hollywood" type reporter played by Katherine Heigl ("Alison") gets pregnant by a fat pothead played by Seth Rogen ("Ben") and has the baby. It is the funniest movie we've seen since "Dazed & Confused" but it also made us cry, even though we tried not to cry because we try very hard not to be all "female" all the time like that. Anyway, some people accuse "Knocked Up" of being misogynist, and unrealistic, and right-wing. To which we say: Fuck you. WE CRIED.
Weird shit happens when you get older. You get softer: First fatter, then more patient, then more patient with your fat, even if you're not actually fat because the mere fact that you are patient with the idea of fat somehow makes you less likely to do things like consume full boxes of not-even-particularly-enjoyable cereal. This all has something, we are pretty sure, to do with hormonal shifts. And we are pretty sure, because we are really not that unique and also we heard other people crying in the theater, that our hormonal shifts have resulted in a common but somehow-not-entirely articulated mega-menstrual reaction to the movie Knocked Up. Namely, we have turned into the exact precise woman who identified so strongly with the character of Alison that we practically threw up from sympathy morning sickness at the end of it.
Which is why we must take issue, once and for crotchety all, with the women who have been emailing us to say shit like "Judd Apatow doesn't get women" and "Judd Apatow is some sort of right-wing freak who doesn't even try to hide his misogyny", in addition to Slate's Dana Stevens, who actually lies to readers by telling them that abortion is not discussed as an option in the movie. It is discussed! Alison just doesn't want one! She's 28 years old and lives with two kids already!!! Why is this so UNBEARABLY HARD to believe?!
Which brings us to The Abortion Conundrum:
Why, why, why is it that every movie depicting a woman who gets pregnant by reasons other than a hard-won regimen of baby name books and cervical-fluid monitoring must responsibly depict her having an abortion so as to impress upon all the susceptible young girls in the audience that she, too, should not feel guilty about terminating the one thing that could potentially stand in the way of the realization of her full potential... in the highly fulfilling and life-affirming field of interviewing celebrities? Further, even if you take it as your feminist responsibility to help close the income gap, aren't you better off outsourcing some big parenting responsibilities to men like Ben?
Which brings us to: Ben's Fat Underemployed Slackerdom..
Yes, Ben is not as pretty or ambitious as Alison is. THAT IS WHY SHE LIKES HIM. Whenever a funny fat guy, invariably tagged by the critics as "schlubby", is said to be unrealistically linked with a pretty lady, we say, NEWS FLASH: Girls are prettier than guys! We don't go bald and don't get facial hair; evolution set us on the path that has led us to the present state of affairs wherein Sephora exists, and guys' looks don't really matter as much as girls'. Alison's ambition, too, is kind of overrated: If she cared so much about the entertainment industry she wouldn't have to be told to lose weight. And it is precisely Ben's unflappable pot-fueled chilled-outness that Alison finds appealing and, ultimately, so necessary in her life. We sleep with underemployed slackers all the time and we can vouch: We'd rather keep their babies than those of the neurotic, hyper-driven precocious guys for whom accompanying us to the abortion clinic would be, like, a major inconvenience. In fact, we are stressed out enough without having to give birth to children who are ambitious.