Once a week, our friend Slut Machine presents her take on the week's girlie gabfests. Up at bat: Rosie O'Donnell withdrawal, the sex lives of The View cohosts, and Oprah's favorite way to booze it up. Click play to experience the insanity through another's eyes. Plus, after the jump, see stills and commentary on the week's best bits.

I'm gutted over the fact that Rosie O'Donnell left The View. Besides the fact that I actually enjoyed the perspective provided by "big, fat, loud, lesbian Rosie", I'm pissed that her absence has effed up the Lady Bunch graphic I made. Who the hell am I gonna put in that spot now?

On the plus side, Rosie's early departure meant that Barbara Walters was forced to actually show up to work everyday, instead of adhering to her previous part-time duties on the show. The results were magical, as they involved Barbara giving people the third-degree about their sex lives.

Monday's show, during which they celebrated Elisabeth Hasselbeck's 30th birthday, was actually pre-taped (probs from about two weeks ago), so she and Ro were still friends. They even hugged. Ah! Elisabeth is totally gay now!

Barbara Walters Is Obsessed With Porn

Then the other ladies began talking about what their lives were like when they turned 30, and View producers showed a picture of Joy Behar at that age.

Barbara Walters Is Obsessed With Porn

Is it just me or did Joy look great? Cute! Crap, now I'm gay.

Barbara Walters Is Obsessed With Porn

As for Tyra, she was in reruns all week . Her recycled episodes involved making people's dreams come true (the dream, apparently, being Tyra herself) and soap operas, which involved her acting out scenes with stars from her favorite shows. It wasn't really clear why she did this but hell, we're not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth. It was comedic gold.

Barbara Walters Is Obsessed With Porn

And thank God Oprah was back on the sauce this week. It helped get us through all the serious episodes she featured, like children in crisis, some lady who got shot in the head, and SuChin Pak's Asian eye dysmorphia. And Oprah also invented her own cocktail. Guess what it has in it? Tequila! (You can find the recipe here.) Make one for yourself today and then go watch today's episode... it's all about drunk driving!