Today is Wednesday, which means we actually left our homes thinking that the celebrity tabloids would be there and we'd have to post about Lindsay Lohan yet again. Curiously, however, that did not happen. In fact, something about a national holiday and Bonnie Fuller being Canadian resulted in a newsstand devoid of new non-news with the lone exception of Star and something pink ["Salmon-colored!" -Ed.] called the New York Observer, which is like Star in that it has Lindsay Lohan gossip but is printed on cheaper paper because its readers are richer and its premises are slightly more, uh, "meta". Anyway, we soon realized that both rags were chock-full of unhappy marriage dissections and so we decided to investigate further.
According to Star
-Jennifer Aniston is writing a tell-all book about herself, Brad Pitt, and Angelina Jolie. Advance: $5 million. Source: "literary expert".
-In the hypothetical book Jennifer will address her crush on David Schwimmer, how Lisa Kudrow is the"consummate professional," and, of course, "Brad, Brad, Brad."
-Writing about Brad, Brad, Brad "would be cathartic," says Jen's "pal," which is a word we've heard applied to another famous scorned woman memoir, Nora Ephron's Heartburn.
This, of course, brings us to The New York Observer, which runs two book reviews of Carl Bernstein's new tell-all about Hillary Clinton; reviews written by (happily!) married couple Ana Marie Cox and Chris Lehmann. According to Ana and Chris:
-The book includes information on Bill, Monica, and the 79 other women he bedded.
-Hillary wore a prom dress that apparently reflected her "developing perfectionism."
-The Clintons apparently "have some kind of partnership," which we'd like to note is also a term often used to describe a certain other globe-trotting, "It Takes A Village"-loving couple.
Anyway, we'll just say that the Observer pieces are not as interesting as a more straightforward Washington Post <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/24/AR2007052402479_pf.html
">review we read on the Clinton book. So, to make our post a little more exciting [Too late! -Ed.], we called in an intern to figure out whether all this was preordained by the stars, as Hillary Clinton, by virtue of Methodist beliefs that are really not much different from astrology, believes. And after running some complex algorithms given the following star-sign information:
... we determined the secret hidden message of today's Midweek Madness: No one is paying close enough attention to their horoscopes! In fact, the only remotely compatible couple in this whole bunch is Bill and Angelina. Midweek Madness eagerly awaits!