'Cosmopolitan' Knows Nine Different Ways To Say "Cock"

Following yesterday's post on the licorice-string bondage in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, a reader suggested we do a monthly roundup of the magazine's pet names for, you know, his down-there zone. Having long subscribed to the notion perpetuated by men's magazines (and phone-sex call centers!) that there were only about four acceptable words for describing sex-inclined body parts, we were a little, well, grossed out! So "we" became intern Maria, and intern Maria went to work on this month's thick, well-endowed Cosmo. Herewith, her tally of the magazine's euphemisms for penis:

"Cock" - 0
"Dick" - 0
"Groin" - 1
"Parts" - 1
"Merchandise" - 1
"Shaft" - 1
"Down Below" - 1
"Package" - 1
"Birthday Suit" - 1

"Junk" - 2
"Head" (sometimes prefaced with "swollen"!) - 2
"Penis" - 3

And this month's dirty-euphemism popularity contest winner is...
"Member" - 5

Okay, people, get to work! What else are they missing? Give us the "beef curtains" of cock euphemisms!
By which we mean, we don't really want euphemisms at all, but more like... the opposite of euphemisms. (Sort of like how G-rated words like "package" make us the opposite of horny!)