Once a week, our friend Slut Machine presents her take on the week's girlie gabfests. On the docket for today: An all-Tyra Banks edition in which Tyra talks (and talks and talks) about her body, boozing it up, and her hair weave. Click play to experience the insanity through another's eyes. Plus, after the jump, stills and commentary on the best bits from Oprah and The View.

This week's Lady Bunch clip is an all-Tyra edition because, well, she's earned it. Seriously, her personality, much like her belts, seems to get bigger and bigger with each passing week. And that belt remark wasn't a jab at her weight. She's been really into this large belt trend, to the point where I think she'll eventually only feel the need to wear a weave, some Spanx and her waist cincher. Check out the progression:

Tyra Banks Mounts A Man On Daytime TV

Unfortunately, Oprah wasn't as mindlessly fun as her protege/wannabe Tyra. Last week, O was drunk, so this week was sort of like the hangover. The episode focused on much graver topics like domestic abuse, dieting, and depression.

Tyra Banks Mounts A Man On Daytime TV

Dr. Melfi was on to share her story of depression. Apparently, it was sparked by her divorce, over a decade ago, from Harvey Keitel, whom she cheated on with Edward James Olmos. She subsequently entered into an acrimonious custody battle with Harvs, racking up legal fees that caused her to file for bankruptcy. My question is whether her depression started before or after she took up with Olmos. You've seen what he looks like, right? I'm wondering if she lost her self-esteem somewhere within the crevices of his pock marks. And Harvey Keitel is no Adonis either. Whatever the case, she's no longer with either man, and she's no longer depressed. I'm just sayin'.

But the biggest daytime talk show news this week came from The View, per usual. Everyone was caught up in the tension between "big, fat, lesbian, loud Rosie" and "pure, innocent, Christian Elisabeth" but I was more interested in how insipid and annoying guest co-host Sherri Shepherd was.

Tyra Banks Mounts A Man On Daytime TV

Before the big fight began, Sherri started off the hour by explaining how the last time she was a guest co-host on The View, she and her husband were in the middle of a divorce, because he'd cheated on her and gotten some other chick preggers. But now they're totally back on and she loves being a stepmom to her husband's illegitimate new baby. OK, so that was the first sign that she's a fool.

Then, after the political discussion began, she kept cutting in and saying stuff like, "This is why I'd rather just watch Dancing With the Stars." Once the fight was in full swing, palpable tension and all, Sherri tried to cut off the whole thing by grabbing Rosie's hand and saying, "OK, we'll be right back with Alicia Silverstone." It became clear that this woman hates any confrontation, or anything that's not downright fluffy, so it's no wonder why she's took her husband and his love child back.

But yeah, everyone was all up in arms about the Rosie vs. Elisabeth fight that began because Elisabeth believes that Iraq is our enemy. However, she believes that her rack is our friend. Look at those puppies on display:

Tyra Banks Mounts A Man On Daytime TV

On one hand I'm like, wow, she's sort of well spoken, insisting that she relies on "facts" to dictate her belief system—maybe she is kinda smart. But then I was like, wait, she believes in Creationism, nevermind.