Adam Levine Sounds Like He's Really Great In The SackS

While we can accept that Maroon 5 is the Police of our generation — and fine, Dave Eggers is Mark Twain and whatever else — a gentle reader alerted us today to some brand fucking new Maroon 5 lyrics that would never have been written by Sting:


I wanna give you something better
Than anything you've ever had
A stronger and a faster lover
The world, it disappears so fast
Sweet kiwi
Your juices dripping down my chin

Yeah, so the song is called "Kiwi," which we hope means her lady secretions were, ha ha, green. But the real head-scratcher here is: Why does Mr. Whiny "She Wiiiiill Be Loved" want to get the sex over harder and "faster"? See, we've long been under the impression that there were two types of sex: "Slayer Sex" and "Sade Sex." Turns out there's a third way! Which brings us to our poll:

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