In The Future, Everyone Will Be Able To Prolong Their 15 Minutes Of Drunk-Driving Related Fame Into An Extended National Saga

  • Paris Hilton has rehired the publicist she just fired for misleading her into thinking that the legal document she sihned (sic!) meant she couldn't drive for 45 days if she could actually read it. Also, Paris has appealed to Governator Arnold for leniency, though we hear it's only because she got him mixed up with David Hasselhoff. [Reuters]
  • OMG! We totally thought Madonna and Guy Richie were this, like, picture of domestic bliss and selfless congugal harmony, and then the British tabloid press comes along and totally robs us of our illusions. [News of the World]
  • Quiz! Scarlett Johansson, Kid Rock, Tara Conner and Naomi Watts all attended which of the following celebrity clusterfucks: The Kentucky Derby and the annual Costume Institute thing at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. [New York Post]
  • For all those dedicated media consumers who may wrongly not give a shit about Ty Pennington anymore: Pennington refers to drunk driving arrest as a "wake-up call." [FoxNews]
  • And speaking of self-medicating gays, George Michael calls his own driving-while-fucked-up arrest "my own stupid fault as usual." [Guardian]
  • As if you needed another reason to swoon for Orlando Bloom: He always has "all this cough syrup" on hand. [Gatecrasher]