TomKat In Trouble, The Attack Of The Bloated Boobs, And Jennifer Aniston's Love LifeS

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly orgy of ill-fated hookups, grand philanthropic gestures and other celebphemera. Here we "read" the Wednesday celebrity tabloids. So you don't "have" to.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' icky and ill-fated romance takes the lead, from US' cover story on the ill-effects of Scientology to Life & Style's attempt to tell "Tom's side of the story" (how could any woman turn her back on a man who gives her a Black Amex card?) to Star's insistence that Tom's meddling mom is driving Katie to the limits of her (already frail) sanity. It's enough to make a woman do a Laura Nyro and sing "Tom Kat Good-bye."

More on who's sleeping with whom, who wishes they were sleeping with whom, and the fact that everyone's breasts are fake... after the jump!

Apparently no one pictured in a weekly tabloid has real boobs. And, apparently, this is news. In fact, InTouch goes so far as to say that breast enhancement is the "hottest Hollywood trend." Jessica's are "busting out" (thanks again, InTouch) and Star wonders if Jessica has "augmented her already ample breasts" (and then has a nutritionist weigh in and add, helpfully, that Jess could stand to lose 3-5 lbs). Life & Style breathes a sigh of relief in reporting on "Best Boob Makeovers!" that "Lindsay got her boobs back!," that "Paris' bra makes all the difference!" and that "Surgery saved Tara [Reid]!". Thank goodness for that!

In other news, it's raining men for Jennifer Aniston. Life & Style insists that Brad Pitt is having buyer's remorse, lamenting the huge mistake he made in leaving her for Angelina Jolie because with Jennifer, life was "simple." InTouch, however, shifts the focus to Jennifer and her number one friend-with-benefits, Vince Vaughn, who is apparently scared of getting too serious with her. (Star, seemingly desperate for an angle, tries to convince us that Jennifer is the one with the commitment issues). US focuses on the on/off couple's recent sleepover party on April 21, bringing in psychologist Ava Cadell to analyze the situation (Her conclusion? It's ok to keep sleeping with your ex "as long as [you] both want to do it and it feels good." Thanks, Ava!)