Midweek Madness: Britney Still Planning On Becoming Thin! And Other Celeb Non-NewsS

Welcome to Midweek Madness, our weekly orgy of celebrity tabloid gossip, weight fluctuations and bad outfits. In which we "read" the Wednesday celeb weeklies. So you don't "have" to.

We're deadpanning it today, because we're horribly sick and after a few days of obsessing over the makeout session between Scarlett and that guy from Van Wilder who used to be engaged to Alanis Morissette, we think it's asking a lot for the celeb weeklies to expect us to get excited about Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal, Jessica Simpson and John Mayer and fucking Sanjaya. After the jump, our analysis.

Life & Style comes late to the Angelina hate-a-thon with the foursome's most brazen cover line, and the week's only substantive coverage of Brangelina's possibly faltering union.
Brad Asks: Why don't you love Shiloh?

Reese and Jake front InTouch and US Weekly, with US painting an overall more sanguine picture of the alleged affair, suggesting Jake is "finally, a man who'll treat her right" while InTouch passes it off as a "Revenge Romance" meant to bait Ryan Philippe. It is generally agreed that Reese "Little Miss Type A" Witherspoon likes to get what she wants, and what she wants is apparently Jake Gyllenhaal, although the closest anyone has to actual evidence of this is their flirtatious conduct on the set of the movie Rendition.

All four magazines give at least two-page play to photos of a bra-less Jessica Simpson making out with John Mayer in Tallow Beach, Australia, but the four magazines cannot agree on whether the beach stroll was actually a honeymoon or even what the word "honeymoon" means, with Life & Style the only mag with the balls to suggest an actual "wedding" transpired between the two and Star calling the trip a "secret honeymoon" while at the same time suggesting that Mayer actually used the honeymoon to propose to Jessica, which would technically negate the honeymoonery of the trip. US and InTouch, meanwhile, refer to the trip as a "seaside romance" and "true happiness," respectively.

For the second week in a row, Star gets the award for most intriguing cover, namely because the lead story, "Britney's Head-To-Toe Plastic Surgery" takes place primarily in the future tense, asserting that while the extent of Britney Spears' body transformation has thus far been limited to a few injections of LipoDissolve — more on that later! — her surgery plans involve exactly $130,000 worth of nose jobs, tummy tucks, boob lifts, etc. etc. etc. The goal of this hypothetical surgery, according to the magazine, is to win back and/or stoke the jealousy of exes Justin Timberlake and/or Kevin Federline, and an accompanying sidebar suggests that the efforts may not be entirely in vain, at least with the latter, whose ex-wife Shar Jackson's surgery was detailed in last week's tabloid and who this week, according to Star, had unprotected sex with Federline.

US Weekly
Life & Style Weekly
InTouch Weekly
Star Magazine