"Amazing Girls" Profiled In 'Times' Way Too Self-Actualized, Unmaterialistic For Selective Schools


We will save you the inevitable reading of yesterday's profoundly pointless Times story on the amazing girls of Newton, Mass who get rejection letters — inevitable because the customer base for this story, which is to say, overcapitalized parents whose willingness to do fucking anything to get their kids into an ever widening sliver of elite colleges is finally this month stymied by a barrage of thin envelopes (ha, catch that? we called them a 'customer base'! Such CYNICS, us bloggers! ) will probably push it past the one about training training husbands as if they were less intelligent, seafaring mammals being the key to happiness for longest stint on the 'Most Emailed List'. I mean, you did get bored enough to read 'What Shamu Taught Me About A Happy Marriage, right?

After the jump, the Times tries to turn 'anorexia of the soul' into the new, er... anorex'ia, and subtly suggests that while dragging your overeducated kids to church may make them less materialistic and more empathetic to Times readers, they will still cry when they get rejected from Williams.

The girls have clearly read other stories on the Most E-mailed list, specifically the one about that classy sorority that evicted all its fat members at DePauw, as evidenced by the healthy priorities of Kat Jiang, who scored an apparently 'perfect' 2,400 points on her SAT:


"It's out of style to admit it, but it is more important to be hot than smart."

"Effortlessly hot," Kat added.

Even in Newton, Massachusetts, where Baptists like Esther Mobley have best friends who are Jews and moms who are public defenders and don't take their husband's names, Christians still have weird senses of humor:


About 2 pm, a text message flashed across her cellphone from Gabe Gladstone, a co-captain of mock trial: "Where are you?" Esther, a key member of the group, was needed at the meeting.

Esther messaged back: "I'm feeding the homeless, I'll come when God's work is done."

Forget sexual tension: "amazing girls" get "intellectual tension"! With theater dudes! Remember name-dropping philosophers? We think we used to be that nerdy, but we have killed all the brain cells that contained those memories. And ugh, whoever the fuck "Hume" was. Suffice it to say, Esther is not getting laid right now.

"One of the most attractive things about Esther is how smart she is," said Dan, whose mother is a professor at Harvard Business School. "There's always been this intellectual tension between us. I see why she likes Kierkegaard — he's existential, but still Christian. She really likes Descartes. I'm not so into Descartes. really like Hume, Nietzche, the existentialist authors.

Oh, rock the shocker, Dan gets into Harvard! Esther has to settle for Smith. The alma mater of Jane 30-year-old Virgin Sarah DiMuro!

More realllly boring follow-ups await.

For Girls, It's Be Yourself, And Be Perfect Too [Times]