As everyone knows, success on the internet is all about being simultaneously urgent and chatty, self-referential and universal, newsy and compulsively confessional. And as it turns out, everything in the New York Times Most E-mailed list is reminding us of ourselves (by which we mean, not Anna) today! Funny how appealing to Universal Human Themes works out for media outlets!

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You Are Also What You Drink We had about 39 ounces of dark-roast coffee today, a combination of Trader Joe's Bay Blend we made at home, Starbucks Sulawesi we bought in Astor Place followed by an Americano from the Starbucks in Soho. Then we had four ounces of Red Bull, 20 ounces of Diet Cherry Coke Zero and 10 ounces of water. This is all on top of what we'd consider a "moderate" five ounces of vodka and 3 ounces of olive juice we drank to combat our strangely persistent insomnia last night. But no milk, juice or sugary sodas! We are so healthy, according to the Times!

It's Not You, It's Your Apartment
The other day we made out with this kinda pervy guy who came up to us at a party. He used to be an investment banker, but apparently had a sort of early midlife crisis so now he fixes bikes for a living, and he wants to quit that job but his shrink says he needs "structure." He called us "Piggy" in a text message, which freaked us out until he said it wasn't a Charles Manson reference, he was just searching for "the most demeaning thing I could call you." Haha, a keeper, right? But then we saw the (really gross) rent-conrolled studio he has inhabited for the past seven years...

Got Crow's Feet? Call The Downward Dog.
We do not know if we have frown lines, but we bet we would if we, like the writer of this story, had written a book called The Joy of Funerals. Full disclosure: We know Alix! Nooooot in the Barrymore sense! And we are pretty sure we speak for every flak in New York (the first and last time we do that, btw!!) when we say that what she needs is not a Yoga Face! More like something ending in "reuptake inhibitor"! Sayin! Someone had to! No really! They really did!!