Welcome to the yet-to-be-named Wednesday all-day nothingness binge. In which we "read" the celeb glossies. So you don't "have" to.

March Magness: Gainers And LosersS

The week in celebrity eating disorders (and recovering disorders!) not involving Allegra Versace:

Winners:
Fran Drescher Star, 5. Looks pretty fat. And also incredibly ugly. And also like she does not give a fuck.
Gisele, InTouch, 8. Claims there's no Brazilian bun in oven.
Salma, InTouch, 29. "Busting Out Already!" Salma Con Leche!
Paris, InTouch, 80. Wearing 2B Free clothes in those attractive McDonald's color schemes that are all the rage now.


Losers:

Dakota Fanning, US, 28. Under the caption "All Grown Up!" (To which we'd add: "But Definitely Not Menstruating Anymore")
Katie, US, 88 "Don't expect any Scientology secrets to the transformation!" reads the caption. Meaning: more likely Fen-Phen than Wellbutrin.
Kerry Washington, US, 91. With the hed "Look 5 Pounds Thinner" (Because she's actually about 20 pounds lighter.)
Cam, InTouch, 44. According to the accompanying text, sometimes works out "twice a day" since the romance went Timber....(God we are SO DUMB) Anyway, they're calling it gym addiction. With any luck she'll be 90 pounds by May.