Who's fat, who's feuding and who caught what from Paris Hilton this week, after the jump with our celebrity weekly round-up.
Well, as we mentioned earlier, Jen Aniston caught just about everyone on the hop, so we'll have to do with an awful lot of crap about Britney and Paris instead.
* There must be much gnashing of teeth over at Star Magazine today, as they came agonisingly close to getting a great cover, which would have smashed in the teeth of all their rivals. Close, but sadly no cigar. Plumping for the world's most blurry ugly picture of Angelina Jolie, clutching a baby, the mag screams 'WHY ANGELINA HAS THIS BABY!'. Now we celeb mag readers may be thick, but we're not that thick. Seeing as how Angelina is in full make-up/costume for her role as Marianne Perle, who had a baby after her husband Daniel was horribly murdered, we can actually guess that she has the baby because she's making a flim about someone who has a baby. Not too much of a strech, that one.
Meanwhile, nestling forlornly in a corner of the cover is 'MY SEXY NIGHT WITH VINCE!', which is actually a juicy little story about some girl who indulged in extended foreplay, possibly oral, we're not sure, with Vince Vaughn while he was filming on location and still OFFICALLY dating poor Jen. It's a bitch when Missed Opportunity ups and smacks you round the head, eh guys? Elsewhere Star attempts to have Britney and Justin back together, which as we recall they've done about fifty times before and still no-one believes them. It's like Demi Moore's eternal pregnancy. Sandra Bullock (yawn) is also allegedly pregnant, and in a world exclusive, Johnny Depp used to look like a nerd. All in all, Star's the best out there this week, but that's not saying much.
* In Touch has the holy trifecta of Britney, Lindsay and Nicole and asks the question 'DRUGS! ARE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?'. We'll save you the trouble of wading through the waffle and reveal the conclusions: Nicole - pills - NO! Britney - antidepressants - PROBABLY! Lindsay - every fucking drug you can think of and then some - PROBABLY! MIssing the Jen Aniston split just like everyone else, In Touch tries to lure you within its pages by telling you how Aniston and Jen Garner lost lots of weight. We can reveal the exclusive details: DIET AND EXCERCISE. We are dazzled by their scoop. Also 'inside Eva and Tony's wedding'. Not.
* Us Weekly leads with 'SAVING BRITNEY' which promises interventions, custody battles and scandalous photos. It's the same stuff you'll find in all the other celeb weeklies this week, except there's more of it. In other news Adrianne Curry got a boob job and that girl from the OC who wasn't Mischa Barton split from that other guy who was on the OC. Whatever.
* OK! continues it's dazzling run of non-stories containing no detail, with 'BRITNEY EXCLUSIVE MY CRY FOR HELP!', in which 'friends' say she's heading for a breakdown. Well, if by friends you mean the third cousin of the guy who used to carpool with the sisister of the man who briefly dated Britney's back-up dancer three years ago, then hey, this is a scoop. In their frenzied desperation, they spin a 57-word paragraph about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban having lunch into a cover line 'NICOLE'S SEXY DATE WITH KEITH', which is about the saddest thing we've ever seen in our media career. And guess what? Pam Anderson was seen with her ex Tommy Lee. And Angelina is planning her marriage to Brad Pitt, in Africa. Yeah. Sure. Someone put this magazine out of its misery.
* Life&Style canned their editor-in-chief last week, and we're not terribly sure we can tell the difference this week. It promises all the juicy Brangelina wedding details and embarks on a round of speculation worthy of OK! only longer. It tries to get a bitchfight going by alleging Angelina wants to get married on the beach in Malibu - maybe, like outside Jen's house would be nice - but we're not falling for that. Elsewhere Britney is in crisis (really? Who knew!), Nick is still putting his naughty bits in Vanessa (and a couple of porn stars on the side, probably) and Eva and Tony are engaged and still no-one gives a fuck.
* The National Enquirer says that Britney fucked Mario Lopez, Brad and Jen are 'back in love', and Lindsay pops Oxycontin. All entirely believable. Yup.