Giving you a leg-up.

Quite why anyone over the age of six would wear leggings is frankly beyond me - and yes, that includes you, Sienna "style icon my arse" Miller. But, if you must, and the chances are that some of you must, just make sure you peruse this handy little guide to the do's and don'ts of revealing your mottled lower legs to the world, first.

In summary:

  • If you have fat ankles, chunky calves or thunder thighs, you probably shouldn't wear leggings. But you will anyway, so just know you're going to look like crap.
  • Leggings make you look stumpy, fatso. Don't compound the sin by wearing trainers.
  • Make sure you cover your fat arse. No-one wants to see your blubber.
  • Don't wear them more than once. They'll get saggy and you'll look even stumpier and fatter.
  • If you're going to wear them make sure you wear a skirt over them. Down to your stumpy fat ankles. Or a Bhurka.

And if, after that, you still want to wear leggings, be my guest.

Fatty.