Protesting just a little too much.

What is it with Oprah Winfrey? Anyone who witnessed the flamingly heterosexual Tom Cruise pounce on her couches ranting of his love for poor dear Katie Homes must have wanted to wack Oprah round the head with a copy of A Million Little Pieces, when she went on to crucify James Frey. Is there an in-crowd and an out-crowd for liars? Tom - have a couch and bounce, bounce, bounce for your fake love. James, screw you, you lying little bastard.

Which brings us to this month's O magazine. Or rather, the editor's letter, where the World's Most Powerful and Book-Embracing and Healing Female Billionaire perches randomly on a rock, contorted strangely, but precisely, to minimise sight of any flab, and airbrushed from a size 14 to a size 6 with the wonder of modern technology. But not even the best airbrush artist in the world can distract attention from her posterior, which seems to be ominously inflating, as if it's desperate to fly away, make a bid for statehood and maybe cure cancer at the same time.

But don't think that any of this is about Mother Teresa Oprah being self-conscious about her weight. Perish the thought. In the June "Body Issue" of O, America's Future First Female President and Winner of the Nobel Prize for the Promotion of Mediocre Literature tells us she's finally made peace with her body. No, really.

"I don't know if embracing tummy flab will help save the world [don't worry folks, she'll get back to you on that once she's done it], but I promise that getting comfortable in your own skin will save you a lot of grief."

And if that doesn't work, perch yourself uncomfortably on a rock, and have an airbrush and your delusions close to hand.