Who's fat? Who's lonely? Who's feuding? Celebrity weekly round-up after the jump.
OK! limps out of the starting gate with the entirely believable claim that Jennifer Aniston is just thrilled that Brad and the Whore of Babylon have finally popped out the Antichrist. C— for credibility, gals. In other thrilling news, Jessica Simpson has a lot of money and spends it, kicked-out K-Fed isn't keen on Britney's new manny - "so far, only identified by his first name, Perry" ....hmm, wanna bet? - and you can lose lbs. with the hottest new diet. It's called the Hamptons Diet, which I ferverntly hoped meant grams of cocaine and binge and purge, but is actually all about eating healthily. No fun.
In Touch goes with Brangelina's baby and reveals that Brad's been crying, Angelina's been crying and she's quite tired, you know, and.... that's about it really. No details, of course no photos, all rather dull. But luckily, Jessica's really happy that Nick's dating celebrity airhead Kim Kardashian even though she's not or she is or whatever. Britney's shagging spending quality time with her manny - "identified in reports as either Perry or Henry" .....hmm, wanna bet? - while K-Fed, who, incidentally, doesn't like silk sheets, bums a baby in a bed of coke at an LA hotspot. Or chats up a Brunette. Whichever works best for you. Oh, and Scarlette Johansson has the best boobs in Hollywood.
Star wins the race to identify Britney's manny - "Meet Perry Taylor - HE'S CUTE!" and pretends they're shagging. He was in the military but flunked becoming a navy seal because he "partied too much" so he moved to L.A. Clearly an improvement on K-Fed, then. With customary Star persistence, they dig up graduation photos of Perry and his bizarrely perky ex-girlfriend, whose mother's second cousin's neighbour reveals the scandal that Perry once buggered a badger or something. Denise and Richie are snogging in Paris, where he honeymooned with former wife and former BFF of THAT SLUT DENISE, Heather Locklear. Heather retaliates by fellating David Spade in the garden at Chateau Marmont in front of 50 paparazzi. Rock and Roll! And Taylor Hicks' mum was a drunk and Demi and Asthon went out one night and had a good time. EXCLUSIVE!
Us magazine managed to get Perry Taylor's name right, and says he used to play lacrosse for the United States Naval Academy in Maryland. Great. A rapist manny. Kevin's off glancing at "girls who dressed in sexy attire", but hasn't been kicked out of the house, contrary to all other reports. He's merely getting high in the basement while Britney turns to God so she can dump him. A relationship expert tells Us that sleeping in separate beds isn't necessarily the sign of a good relationship. Who knew? Ashley Simpson had her nose done and her lips pumped to turn her into her sister. Johnny Knoxville will surely be sniffing around her ass with a bottle of lube any day now. And Matthew McConaughey and Penelope Cruz have split up but no-one can be bothered to read the article to find out why. Because no-one actually cares.
Life & Style goes with a curiously irrelevant How Mariah got so THIN! cover, featuring the human emodiment of the Cabbage Patch Doll scantily clad and airbrushed to within an inch of her life. How did she get so thin? She stopped stuffing her fat face full of crap. There you go. In other crushingly boring news, Jen wants a baby with Vince, Brangelina had a baby! Called Shiloh! Brad's crying, Angelina's crying and quite tired... and well, you get the drill. And Britney chased a naked Kevin out of her house after finding him trying to lure a female housekeeper into the hot tub. Sources say he was planning to render the hapless domestic servant unconscious first with a lethal dose of his armpit stink. Britney to the rescue!
I guess People was so busy trying to pay $4.1 million for the photos of the baby Jesus Shiloh, that they got distracted this week. Behind a cover that promises All The Details! on Brangelina's baby girl, we find out that, well, they've given birth to a baby girl. Brad's crying, Angelina's crying blah blah blah, no real details, and no photos - yet! A big fat D- for that one. Still, they'll wipe the floor with everyone else next week. Taylor Hicks - the untold story turns out that Taylor Hicks wasn't famous before he won American Idol. Startling, that. No mention of his drunk mum, because this is People and People prefers crawling up his ass and dying, to writing anything that mean. Or true. They bravely ask the question as to whether Britney and Kevin are not currently experiencing marital bliss and decide that no-one could ever know. Perhaps if they'd shelled out $40k like they normally do to get Britney to 'speak out' about how fabulously happy and wonderful she is, they might have had something one could identify as a 'story'. And Nick Lachey has a new girl. And lots of real people in America are fat and poor and crippled and struggling and if you just read their stories you'll feel so much better about your meaningless existence.
