Who's fat? Who's lonely? Who's feuding? Celebrity weekly round-up after the jump.
Perhaps the most startling cover is Us Weekly, where you are invited to stare at the crotch of a newly svelte Janet Jackson, while ingesting the details of her startling weight loss. I'm not sure anyone cares, but they actually got an interview (no "sources say" here!) so well done. "Jen and Vince's secret plans " are, well, that they are going out with each other, while "Paul and Heather's bitter split" boils down to the fact that she's a cow.
Over at Star, they've gone for a cover package - "Cutest Babies! of the Year" and yes, they did put that exclamation mark there. It's really just an excuse to fill six pages with boring pictures of celebs holding babies. Worth a quick peep in Hudson News just to catch sight of the ginger horror that is Julia Roberts' son Phinnaeus. Oh, and Jen and Vince are breaking up. Yeah, whatever.
About three years after everyone else, In Touch is amazed to discover that before an astonishing amount of surgery Jessica Simpson used to look like a chimpanzee, that Britney's tits have gone boom and bust more times than the stockmarket, and that Omarosa will do anything, including getting her fun bags pumped, for publicity. MIx it all together and you have the least shocking Plastic Surgery Shockers cover in history. Oh and someone had lunch with Heather Locklear's rep, apparently, as there are two pages on how fab she is and how she doesn't want to bitch slap Denise Richards. And Angelina's having a baby. Had you heard? Also, Jen and Vince aren't breaking up. Thank God.
I guess Life & Style bailed their stringer out of a Namibian jail, because they promise EXCLUSIVE! details on the Brangelina birth. And yes, Namibian local governor Samuel Nuuyoma confirms that Angelina is not yet in labor. Sign him up! Whisk him to a hotel! Don't let anyone else get near him! They even get "a local doctor" who's stuck his paws up the sexiest mom-to-be's sacred vagina to tell us that mother and foetus are doing fine. I feel a Pulitzer coming on here. In other news, Britney is a bad mother, Nick and Jess reunite, Lindsay and Paris are fighting, and somewhere, a dog just bit a man.
OK! tries to convince you that Jen Aniston is pregnant on their cover. You at the back! Stop laughing! And of course it all comes down to "a source" saying that she's telling friends she might adopt a baby. Some day. Possibly. Maybe. At some point. Well, I'm sold. And Nick loves Jess, and Taylor hugs Kat and OK! is still crap.
