The nearly always correct Killer Mike has described fuckboys thusly: “You can identify fuckboys…because they are always doing fuck shit. Just the dumbest, weirdest, lamest possible shit ever.”
“Fuck shit” may be somewhat difficult to clearly define, but you absolutely know it when you see it. I believe I have already firmly established that a fuckboy is not simply some dude on Tinder who doesn’t message you back or just the male version of a basic bitch. (Never forget that men can be basic too.) No, a fuckboy is a lame ass dude who does stupid fuck shit on the regular. With that, I present the fuckboys of all fuckboys for the year 2015.
This guy had quite the year. He and Blac Chyna broke up in August 2014, and according to paparazzi photos he started dating Kylie Jenner in early 2015 (although my money is obviously on this little liaison starting in 2014). I’m pushing the Kylie Jenner thing into 2015 because that’s when they started getting flagrant with it and also when they admitted they were dating, a landmark occurrence related to the fact that Kylie finally turned a legal age.
To restate the background on this story: Tyga has spent quite some time dating a teenager who is also the sister of his ex-girlfriend/mother of his child’s best friend.
There are a lot of people who could have stopped this relationship. Kylie’s parents would be the first and most obvious choice. Kim probably could have jumped in if she ever had a thought about anyone other than herself. Really, any sensible adult who isn’t an extreme narcissist could have helped but consider who we’re talking about here. Still, I’m placing the blame solely on Tyga’s shoulders because, seriously, what is wrong with this man?
Oh, also, he released an album that he tried to pass off as a mixtape after it went triple aluminum foil, selling 2,200 copies in its first week. For a comparison, I (an only moderately well-known judge) have over triple the number of Twitter followers.
Does this even need an explanation? Has there ever existed a human being who said more fuckshit than Donald Trump in 2015? He is an uninformed, racist buffoon with a nonexistent hairline who lives his entire life like a sandbox bully with an obvious inferiority complex, and the only satisfying thought in the Trump orbit is knowing that he’ll never truly live up to his own delusional expectations.
JUST BECAUSE YOU JUST DISCOVERED SOMETHING DOESN’T MEAN THAT IT’S SUDDENLY POPULAR OR AT ITS PEAK.
There is no such thing as “peak” fuckboy because fuckboys are constant—like air and the tendency of poor white Americans to vote directly against their interests. If you’re only now noticing fuckboys, I truly and deeply envy you, but also, you’re incredibly late to the party and it’s kind of a fuckboy move to act like you were the first to arrive.
Bobby Jindal’s lameness feels personally threatening. He seems like the kid who would try to enforce the rules when the substitute teacher left the classroom. Hey guys, we should do our work quietly, he would say. SHUT UP, BOBBY, we would say back, throwing our pencils at him.
I bet he’s been told “shut up Bobby” a lot.
Of the mountains and mountains of fuckshit committed by Bobby in this year of our lord, one moment stands out for me. No, it wasn’t when he blamed a mass shooting on single mothers, cut funding for Planned Parenthood or when he participated in a pushup contest. The moment that Bobby Jindal’s fuckboyness completely solidified for me was in his in campaign announcement videos where he promised his children a puppy if he was elected president knowing good and goddamn well that he will never be President of the United States.
That’s some fuckboy shit.
Jason Mann is an arrogant lima bean who Matt Damon and Ben Affleck hired to “direct” a “movie” because the producers of Project Greenlight knew that he would be entertaining on television. The jig has been up on Project Greenlight for a minute now, but the inclusion of Jason Mann proved that they weren’t even trying to hide it anymore: make good TV first, slap together something resembling a movie second.
Mann ended up being a perfectly, remarkably accurate and unsurprising personification of a mediocre white man in Hollywood who steamrolls others with his staggering mediocrity and ends up creating trite, un-entertaining work that will eventually be forgotten by the world.
Men who complained about Magic Mike
This largely terrible year had a few bright spots, and one of those bright spots was the cinematic masterpiece that is Magic Mike XXL. The filmmakers wised up to the fact that nobody cares about the plot and simply gave us dance sequence after dance sequence and it was perfect.
It is impossible for this experience to be ruined, but there certainly were those who tried—namely annoying straight men who complained about the film’s mere existence even though no one was forcing them to go because WE LIVE IN AMERICA. What we saw were a bunch of man babies who literally didn’t know how to cope when something wasn’t being catered specifically to them, their wants and needs—as if it physically pained them to see women and gay men enjoying themselves. Fuckboys of the highest order.
Drake on “Hotline Bling”
“Hotline Bling,” while perhaps one of my favorite songs of the year, is basically four minutes and twenty-seven seconds of Drake whining about a young woman going out and just living her damn life.
“Ever since I left the city, you/ You got exactly what you asked for/ Running out of pages in your passport/ Hanging with some girls I’ve never seen before”
UM YEAH SOUNDS LIKE HOMEGIRL IS HAVE A GREAT TIME AUBREY. Can she live? Fuckboys will suffocate you with their resentment of your ability to enjoy yourself without them and this song, as catchy as it is, is the anthem for that exact, pathetic behavior.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org .
Images via HBO/screenshot, Getty