First of all, we need to get over the fact that anal piercings exist. They exist. Second of all, we all need to understand that in order for a piercing to happen, an anus has to relax. And what happens when you add one traumatic experience to one relaxed anus? Disaster.
The following story, which comes from Reddit, is the first to be judged by Jezebel's patented new truthiness index that I've just come up with at the behest of the editorial team. Everything on Reddit is done "for karma," so we are going to rate Reddit stories from 1-4, with the least truthy receiving a "4 karma" rating. This story, one of the grossest I've read because it involves a hot shit to the face, is a 2. Why a 2? Read on.
Alright a bit of background. Ive been a piercer at my local tattoo parlor for several years, and I have seen people do the simplest things like eyebrow piercings, cartilage piercings, etc. Ive also seen people do the most bizarre things like dick/clit/ball piercings, and even anus piercings. Ive only done 2 anus piercings in the 6 years i've worked there. This guy comes in, and says he wants his asshole pierced. I wanted to laugh, but I put my professional face on, and told him prices, and answered his questions.
When I got my nipple pierced 10 years ago after a horrible breakup, I asked my piercer if people got their butts pierced and he said yes. He also said that if I wanted one I'd have to go into their bathroom and wash my butt to his satisfaction. He did not bat an eye at my request, because he, like this supposed piercer, was a professional. And that's why this story gets a 2, because a practiced piercer wouldn't be all that surprised. (BTW, I did not choose to get a butt piercing because I wasn't that sad about the breakup and also apparently you can't walk for a few days).
The rest of the stuff that happened? I can believe.
We get to the piercing room, and I tell him to pull down his pants and get on all 4s up on the table. Awkward already... Now Im trying to get him to position his ass cheeks just right so I can get to his asshole. I finally get him to spread his ass cheeks apart, and I get my needle. I can tell the guy is getting really nervous so I said "Dont tense up man just relax its only gonna take a second. Just relax your anus don't tense up or it will only be worse."
I have my face right up to this guys anus and am about to pierce him, and I say "Ok here we go". 2 seconds after I get the needle in he blasts shit all over my face. I start screaming like a motherfucker trying to wipe shit off my face, and he starts trying to stand up but the needle is still in his ass, and he screams bloody fucking murder. My boss runs in to find me wiping shit off my face, and this poor fuck screaming and crying with his pants down.
Everyone is in pain here and no one is a winner. Not the dude who should have thought to wash out his butt real good before the piercing, not the piercer and certainly not the boss who may be facing some kind of liability issue due to the fact that there's a naked dude covered in shit with a needle stuck up his ass writhing around his studio like a scene from a $59.95+S/H specialty DVD.
After I got cleaned up, and we got the needle out his ass I said "WHY DID YOU SHIT ON ME??!" He just stood there obviously embarassed, and he says "You said to relax my anus! Im so sorry!"
Gross, yes, but no one's asking the real question here: Did he still have to pay? Because I probably would. Wouldn't you?
And for anyone wondering how one can get their asshole pierced and not suffer an infection, one Redditor has the answer:
The one person I knew who did have his "anus" pierced actually had the spot above the anus pierced with a surface bar. Piercing a gooch is relatively safe(ish) but putting a piece of metal THROUGH the actual anal cavity doesn't look or feel good, no piercer wants to put them in their portfolios, AND only puts a client at risk for injury/pain.
People who get "anal piercings" are generally only doing it as a temporary piercing. It is a stupid human trick.
But my old friend just took a shower every time he pooped or got sweaty, wore a lot of high waisted loose pants until it healed. I have no idea how long he kept it after we fell out of touch.
Yeah, but what about the pinkeye?
Image via Shutterstock