Sick of playing second fiddle to that dirty seductress known as Nutella (if you're balking at that statement, come ON—would you rather have a stale little Hershey's Kiss or a fucking spoonful of thick, chocolatey nut spread!?), the Hershey's corporation has announced their own line of spreadable chocolate wonders. Hershey's Spreads will come in three varieties: chocolate, chocolate with almond, and chocolate with hazelnut. COME AT NUTELLA, BRO.
Over the past five years, sales of Nutella in the U.S. have more than tripled to $240.4 million, according to market researcher Euromonitor International.
Hershey's is trying to take a bite out of that through America's love of snacks.
"The average American snacks more than two times a day and what better way to transform everyday snacks into delicious treats, than with the genuine chocolate flavor that only Hershey can deliver," said a spokeswoman for Hershey's in a press release.
A Hershey statement also suggested pairings with pineapples and pickles.
I know all you high-horse dark-chocolate snobs think that Hershey's is hella janky (and yes, I am AWARE that it's technically made out of beetle anuses and candle shavings or whatever), but I've always had a soft spot for it. This summer I tried making some s'mores with Green & Black's or some shit my boyfriend picked out, and it was like DOOOOOD THESE S'MORES ARE WAY TOO DIGNIFIED IT'S LIKE EATING JASON SEAVER'S MAHOGANY-PANELED OFFICE. Hershey's has its place.
I don't know whether or not Hershey's Spreads will succeed in being delicious, but I welcome this development in the dessert spread game nonetheless. I think everyone on earth should be devoting their time to figuring out novel ways to turn toast into cake and call it "healthy." That spirit of competition can only lead to one thing: some day, some intrepid chef will hit upon ONE BREAKFAST FROSTING TO RULE THEM ALL.
In the corner, Speculoos spread watches the melee over steepled fingers, biding its time.